Ambiguous and Defined
by dsaANON
Summary: Natsuki has managed to keep Shizuru by her side, but she's not the only one that can encase her heart behind a wall of ice. ShizNat. T for language.
1. What do your actions mean?

**A/N: **This is the **sequel for Subtle and Blunt**, but i've tried to write it so it's **stand alone** since when I went and reread S&B I kinda didn't like it all that much (mainly cos of the style i wrote for Shizuru's portion but since it was deliberate to show for state of mind I'm not gona redo it)

Sori to reviewer and readers tht was waiting for this fic (esp the ones i replied that i'll write this asap... turn out asap wasn't so soon)

N thnx to my poll takers, im glad it ended up how it did cos i fink i wuda been in a stump as to what to write if it turn out differently.

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Ambiguous

**What do your actions mean?**

It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon when the abrupt sound of knocking rapped at my door.

I had been sitting peacefully and comfortably in my living room reading a good book when my tranquil state was disturbed, not expecting visitors that day, I took my time to mark my place in the novel and gently rest it down onto the glass coffee table in front of me.

By the time I had reached the door I took a moment to ensure I was presentable before I opened it and reveal to myself who my surprise guest was.

I had opened the door to see the one I least expected: Natsuki.

* * *

The sight of the blunette cause memories of the last few months to come rushing through my mind; the cleverly laid plans to have Natsuki distance herself from me; the time spent on slowly phasing myself out of her life; the struggles I endured to forget my love for her... Memories. They were only memories.

In the few months that we have been apart I had forgotten my undying love for this girl before me – I am not so bold to say that I have rid myself of those feelings, I know that deep within the abyss in my heart - my love for the blue hair delinquent still exists, they were just hidden.

Hidden - even from myself, that is why seeing Natsuki right now has only brought back memories, it did not strike a chord in my heart nor brightens up my day – right now, I feel nothing for this pale-skinned, blue-haired, emerald eyed girl…

None-the-less I was shocked to see her, it's been months since we've last seen each other, I expected Natsuki to look for me at some point in life but not now - it's all too soon and abrupt – all I've have expected, at most, was a phone call to organize a meeting or something – not a surprise visit. And the most curious thing was: the shocked and disappointed look on her face, it looked as though she went knocking at the wrong door and ended up seeing someone she didn't want to see instead.

'Why are you looking at me like that?' I asked myself and soon chose to ignore that question and her expression. instead I tried to seek out a reason for her presence.

"Natsuki? What are you doing here?" I asked in concern.

'Even my voice holds no lingering feelings in it' I noted to myself as I internally I smiled at my own achievement.

Yet my question seemed to only agitate the biker girl; her face contorted, morphing it into a scowl, her eyes broke contact from mine and looked past me.

'Did I do something wrong?'

It was a surprisingly rude reaction I honestly did not expect from Natsuki, but once again I chose to ignore it.

"Would Natsuki like to sit down? I'll prepare some tea for us." Inviting her in was an integrated habit of mine – showing your guest hospitality regardless of whether or not you wish for their company is something I've been taught to do since I was young, and because of this I invited her in even though I didn't want her here.

I understand my feelings well enough to know it's still too early to be around her, and if she stays all my efforts for the past months will have been for naught.

She brushed pasted me without saying a word, straight to the two seater couch and sat down in a huff; it didn't take a genius to sense that the blunette was acting hostile. Walking into the kitchen to prepare the tea I watched Natsuki and judging from her body language she had something plaguing her mind - she was fidgeting a lot, constantly looking around the room not focusing on anything for any significant amount of time.

'Natsuki is definitely irritated by something.'

"Here you go Natsuki" I handed her the teacup and held onto my own as I returned to the seat I was occupying before – the one seater on the other side of the coffee table Natsuki sat in front of. I glanced at Natsuki, whose eye darted around the furnishing, then I focused on my tea – closing my eyes to deeply inhale the aroma, my body instinctively relaxed and the cogs of my mind began to move.

In those few peaceful moments I reminded my self the reasons I left Natsuki:

I left… because I could not bear the thought of caging her in the suffocative friendship I put the two of us into, I freed her from my heavy burden, I did everything for her even though it killed me inside all in the name of selfless love but… in truth…

I opened my eyes and stared pensively into the tea in my hands.

I did it for myself… our relationship was slowly eating at me, it was suffocating not only for her but for me as well; to know she will never return my feelings and to have her presence with me all the time, made forgetting her so much harder and so much more painful.

I refuse to return to that, I will not allow ourselves to go back to how things were and live in a life in limbo – where my heart is neither dead nor alive – I steadied my wavering heart for both our sakes.

My gaze moved from the teacup back to Natsuki and with my renewed resolve to keep our lives separate and our friendship absolutely platonic, I once again tried to start a conversation:

"So, how do I owe the pleasure of Natsuki visiting me so spontaneously? I hope everything is alright" I had kept my voice friendly and concerned – I didn't want her to think I didn't want her company, even though a part of me didn't, and I kept a friendly smile on.

"Shizuru…" She growled through her teeth, eyes and face looking at the teacup in her hands.

'The first thing she said today and it had to sound so angry. She won't even look at me… I wonder what is wrong…'

I kept my gaze at the top of the blunette's head, staring with concern when she lifted up her head once again, I noticed the emotions that changed from one to another cross her face – from annoyance to loss to sadness and unhappiness, then finally to anger.

'Why is she so angry?'

* * *

I myself was at a lost for words – I didn't understand why those emotions crossed her face but a distinct feeling in me says somehow it was all my dong.

'But what have I done? Wasn't everything I did for you, Natsuki? Aren't you happy where you are now?'

"Let's go for a ride. It's a good day and it has been a while." Natsuki commanded, standing up to be in an even more superior position she looked at me and I looked at her.

My mind froze at her words, no, I froze at her tone and the demand it carried, it left me even more confused and disorientated.

'Natsuki is ignoring my question again, why does she want to take a ride now of all times?'

"You might want to get changed. I'll take care of these for you" Natsuki had continued, then snatching away my cup and walking away to the kitchen before I could answer or question her.

'She came to me yet she doesn't want to talk to me? Natsuki why are you making me worry so much?'

I stared worriedly at her retreating form, knowing full well it was not the time to disagree with the short-tempered girl who's already a bit testy; I stood up and made my way to my bedroom.

Closing the door behind me and I discarded my clothing onto my bed and took out my rarely used pair of jeans and a top, searching through my wardrobe to find a suitable jacket I came across a familiar black and red one, I took it off the hanger and in my hands I felt the leather texture once more.

It was the jacket Natsuki had "permanently lent" me a few years back – it was just another winter day where we were going to go out shopping after school and when I found her by her bike she handed me the leather jacket:

"I guess you can borrow this" is what she said but I never asked. It was just another occasion where she showed her sweet and caring side

I took the garment in my hand and lift it to my face, inhaling its scent -

'It didn't smell like Natsuki anymore.'

I left my room wearing the jacket; Natsuki having finished cleaning up the cups turned to look at me and gave me a smile – one I haven't seen in so long.

"Still fits huh?" She said in a calm and gentle voice.

I hadn't realized it but from our short exchange before where her tone and demeanor was so unfamiliar - my heart was uneasy - but with just a small smile my heart settled once more.

"Actually, the chest portion feels a lot tighter then I remember." I jested, hoping we could keep up her sudden good mood.

'I still prefer a happy Natsuki, over a grumpy one.'

"Baka! Come on let's just go!" she yelled, storming off like a child having a tantrum.

I smiled to myself at her antics.

'Just like old times…'

My smile slowly turned to a slight frown.

When we reached Natsuki's bike, the sight of the vehicle brought back memories – old memories that warmed my heart.

She handed me a helmet, I noticed it wasn't her one, in fact it was new helmet I had never when before… in my time with Natsuki.

"Ara? Natsuki finally invested in a spare helmet for her passenger I see? I'm glad that Tokiha-san was able to do what I could not."

Only after those words left my mouth did I realise how it holds true to more than just once meaning.

'I don't think it is a good idea to go with her.' I told myself as I resisted the urge to clutch at my own chest.

It was getting difficult to ignore the growing pain. It was getting uncovered, bit by bit; my heart is starting to remember how it feels for the person in front of me.

"Yeah… Just put it on, already." Her voice sounded grim, but not at grim as my face was underneath the helmet she gave me. Despite my warning, I proceeded to mount the bike.

With my last bit of my resolve, that remained un-shattered by my blue-haired goddess, I tried to keep a distance between us – placing my hands on her hips instead of wrapping myself around her waist – my last bid to stop myself from falling for her again.

The next thing I knew my hands were pulled forward and wrap around familiar flesh, a muffled voice resounded in front of me.

"You'll fall off if you don't hold on properly"

And then we went speeding off, so fast I had to tighten my hold on the figure in front of me, so fast my heart thumped rapidly, so fast I couldn't even take notice of my surrounding and all that I could think about was the one solid thing that my senses could feel – Natsuki.

I could feel us slowly down, the passing blurs focused into an ocean view, cliff side roads, and a setting sun.

We were at the cape; the cape where Natsuki's mother died, the cape where we used to visit to just spend time together, the cape where the start of my fall began. It was the cape full of our memories – good and bad.

She parked the bike and I hopped off, placing the helmet on the seat I walked over to the barrier to get a better view of the sunset.

The wind swept my hair and I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in.

'I remember those feelings, and the pain that comes along with it. My heart is beating and bleeding for her again. I guess… we're back to square one.'

A sad smile adorned my face.

"It's been so long since I've been here, Natsuki. The sunset is as beautiful as ever."

'I guess I'll have to distance myself again.'

At those thoughts my heart seem to bleed even more but like I always had I ignore the pain, and focused on the blunette in front of me.

"Natsuki?" I spoke in concern at her lack of response, but what happened next shook me to my very core.

She moved closer to me, reducing the already small distance between us, raising her arms on either side like she was going to hug me.

"Natsuki?" This time I said it no more than a whisper – I was scared and confused when she enveloped me in her arms.

I can feel her heart beat against mine.

* * *

I took a few moments to fight off the fear and confusion that plagued my mind the moment Natsuki held me, I soon gathered myself and built up whatever flimsy façade I could.

"Natsuki, is something the matter? If you need someone to console you, I'm more than happy to listen to your problems."

My voice was weak. In under an hour too much has happen to me, emotionally, for me to gather myself properly and build a better mask but if I let her hold me any longer I'm afraid I would break down even more.

I tried to push away from her silent form but my struggles went unrewarded.

"Stop doing this to us." I stopped my struggles.

'Stop doing this to us? Has she figured it out?'

I admit her words shocked me but my instinct told me she hasn't fully understood my actions for the past few months, and it wasn't like I actually did anything wrong. However, I didn't like our current situation – being held by her may have been one of my long held dreams but right now it hurts more than it comforts, so I decided to go on the offensive instead.

"Ara, I don't understand what Natsuki means but if Natsuki holding me like this is my own doing, then I guess I'll just have to deal with the consequence when we get back to the apartment." I spoke seductively into her ear, a method that usually results to her jumping as far away from me as possible. A double-sided blade, but it does its job.

"Shizuru, I'm serious!" She grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me away, but still keeping me at arms length.

I was still feeling weak and her stern gaze and scolding tone served to break me down even more on the inside.

I couldn't even look at her; instead I stared at the pavement beside her.

'Isn't this for our own good? Preventing the both of us from future pain, isn't it what we both want? So why are you so angry and unhappy? Why are you questioning my actions to save the both of us?'

"Really Natsuki, I don't understand what you are referring to" All my fighting spirit and resolve has gone, I no longer wanted this, I never did.

"Hmph. Whatever." She pulled me back into a tight embrace. I remained stiff in her arms.

'Why do you do this to me, Natsuki?'

I relaxed my body and gingerly held her back.

'But I guess it's my fault too. For loving you.'

We stood there hugging each other for some time until Natsuki finally pulled away and turned to the sunset – her face held confidence and contentment. She turned smiling at me saying with much confidence and determination:

"I'm not letting you out of my sight, Shizuru. You're not going anywhere."

'What do you mean?'

* * *

**A/N:** dont expect the next chapter anytime soon, im notoriously lazy, so just pray tht i get into an angsy enough mood to continue write the next few chapters.

btw i hope this chapter was long enuf for u guys, i compress shizuru's PoV for Natsuki's Blunt portion of S&B into 1 chapter since u guys dnt like short chapters


	2. What am I to you?

**A/N:**

Its confirmed, I only have the drive to write fanfiction when I have school stuff due! Well, guess that's good news for you guys ^-^

Just want to note that A&D will NOT have the same formatting as S&B did. (meaning that i won't try and make the intros and outros relate, each chapter in 'Ambiguous' won't have a same themed sister chapter in 'Defined' like I did in Subtle and Blunt - cause it's just too hard.)

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What am I to you?

Clinking of keys, a soft click and the creaking of a door – Natsuki let herself into her shared dorm room.

"You're earlier than expected, Natsuki. I thought you're stay out until after curfew." Mai greeted from the living room, glancing from the wall clock to the blunette, who was still in her bike suit she saw her in earlier today.

"Oh, yeah." The words come out as no more than a murmur, as the biker tossed her keys to the holder by the table near the door, her hand returning back to rub the back of her neck.

"So… um… how was Fujino-san?" the red head asked cautiously testing the waters.

The cook was sitting on the three seater couch in her pyjamas with her legs folded up besides her, clutching a pillow close to herself; with the T. front of her - turned on with the volume down so she could hear the blunette's answer.

"She's okay… Where's Mikoto?" Natsuki answered and questioned dully.

"She's still not back yet. She's got half an hour before she's past curfew, then I'll have an excuse to not make her ramen." Mai replied, realising the blunette's intention of changing the topic. So in turn Mai tried to lighten up the biker's mood.

"Heh, you know you always cave in after an hour of her begging and whining." Natsuki teased, her voice sounding more tired than playful.

"Yeah, like you could hold out for even 10 minutes with her."

The blunette smirked at the comment and proceeded to her drawers that were situated to the side of the spacious room, next to the three parallel aligned single beds, and gathered her pyjamas and a towel to get ready for her bath.

While digging for her underwear, she spoke again:

"Hey, Mai?"

"Yeah?" The red-head, who just recently turn up the volume on the T.V., turn it back down again, and twisted her head to the blunette's direction.

"D-Do you remember the last time I went to see Shizuru? Or when Shizuru and I went to meet up?" The blunette's voice was quiet and held a form of forced calm to it.

"Huh? … The last time you saw Fujino-san? … You know, I may ask 'where are you going?' a lot but it's not like I know exactly where you've been and who you're with, as if I have some sort of tracker on you. Mikoto on the other hand…"

" – J-just whatever you remember, the last time I told you I was going to meet up with Shizuru. The last time." Natsuki had walked up to the back of the couch looking at the red-hair calmly and seriously in the eyes but the sound of urgency in her voice betrayed her true feelings of anxiety.

Mai sensing the answer to this question to be important to the blunette, turned back to the T.V. to untwist her body - thinking hard to recall her memories.

"Hmmm… Well I guess it would be that time, like five months ago, where I had to leave Mikoto with Nao and Aoi - since I had work - and you were going to do something with Fujino-san… Man, if I knew Chie was going over I wouldn't have left her there; I can't believe I'm saying this but Thank God Nao was there! Just imagine how many 'more' questions she would come running to me and asking?" She exclaimed, once again trying to lighten up the mood the moment she sensed a heavy atmosphere spreading from the person behind her.

Mai turned to look at the girl and sees her room-mate looking like she was in deep thought staring at the towel in her hand.

"Natsuki? What's wrong?" Mai asked in concern.

"No, nothing." Green eyes refused to meet violet.

Just when Mai wanted to ask further, the noise of the door opening and closing took both their attention. A young raven haired girl entered the room sporting a bright shining smile, lightening the slowly darkening room.

"Mikoto! Do you know what time it is?"

"Before curfew?" Mikoto replied innocently.

"Well yes, but you're really sliming it, you know." the motherly friend chided.

Then Natuski interrupted "I'm going to go take a bath now."

"Oh… yeah okay." Mai turned her attention back to her blue-haired friend looking worriedly to the back of the girl's form.

"Mai? Is something wrong?"

"No… Nothing you need to worry about." She smiled patting the cat-girl's unruly hair.

* * *

That night, I laid in my bed, staring blanking at the whitish coloured ceiling above me. My mind refusing to halt in it's thought.

The strong unexplainable feelings I felt today, that drove me to seek out and confront Shizuru, had subsided - leaving me at a lost. During the whole encounter I had with Shizuru, I had not once ponder on the reason behind those feelings and had let it fuel my mindless actions, completely confident and trusting that they were the right choices, but now that those gnawing sensations that directed those actions has left - I don't know what I should do or what actually it is that I want anymore.

'Five months, five months… has it really been that long? What happened during that time? I don't even remember' My mind churned to accept the fact that Shizuru had been out of my life for such a long time without my knowing.

'…And what is with that look she gave me.'

I tossed, as memories of today's earlier departure from Shizuru's apartment flashed through my mind.

"_I'll come over tomorrow, so we can catch up properly okay?" I said through the flipped up glass of my helmet, taking the spare Shizuru was handing to me._

"_Hm." The brunette made an affirmative noise, her thoughtful gaze moved from the headgear she just transferred, to my eyes._

_Her face held a mix of emotions, looking weary and tired; her eyes seemed as though she held a tiny flicker of hope – but one that seems to be attacked by a never-ending onslaught of pain, hurt and discomfort._

I stared hard into the dresser beside my bed.

'Why did she have that face?'

In my heart, I felt that I already know the answer, but for some reason it refused to surface into my mind, so I ignored it – casting it aside for another day for me to wonder over.

'I need to make it go away… I'll try and cheer her up tomorrow. Go to our favourite places and stuff… Yeah, that should make her happy again… Then we'll go back to how things were before, play the game we always played…'

I closed my eyes drifting off to an uneventful sleep and hoping tomorrow I could make it a better day for the both of us.

* * *

She was knocking on my door – just like she did yesterday, when my world once again became broken.

She was here earlier than usual – five minutes before our designated time, it was definitely early for someone who only leaves the house at the time she is supposed to be arriving.

I opened my door to my angel, at the same time my torturer, and greeted her with the fake mask I have to adorn once more.

"Natsuki, you're early. Or did you think we were meeting at twelve and thought you were an hour late?"

"What? No." She glanced at my clock at the far wall. "I'm not even that early."

I smiled at her and invited her in.

"Would you like some tea?"

"Hm? Oh, actually I was thinking we go out and have some, maybe do a little shopping together. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Do you have a place in mind?"

"Yeah, remember the little tea place in Fuuka Mall you always liked? But I was thinking maybe we could stop by where you worked before hand and um… have a look around, then head over and have some tea. Sound good?"

"Yes, of course. It's been awhile since I've been there. I wonder how the owner is doing."

'That's odd; I wonder why Natsuki would suggest going there? She always avoids going to that place with me especially after that time I … "helped" her measure her bust size…' Unconsciously I let a smile creped up my face at the thought of the fond memories as we left my apartment.

* * *

When we arrived at the store, I looked up at the large sign above the entrance, in white script font the words: 'Delicate Flowers' was written over a lavender coloured background and it had simple drawings of white lilies at the top left corner and bottom right.

I smiled brightly at the lingerie store and turned my head to look at Shizuru. She too, was smiling fondly at the store and I felt a small sense of accomplishment fill my chest.

'So far, so good' I thought to myself.

We entered the building and to the left and right were racks of underwear, ranging from boy shorts to lace, all in a variety of colours and sizes.

I motioned towards the side but I realised Shizuru was heading straight toward the counter, where an aging-not-so-gracefully middle age lady with way-to-much-make-up-on stood.

'Knowing her and her manners, she's probably going to greet her old manager.' I chose to follow close behind.

"Shizuru? Is that you?" The lady asked, as her lip-stick smothered lips spread into a smile.

"Ara, I haven't been here for a few months and I've already been forgotten?" Shizuru teased.

'Heh. It's good to know I'm not the only one she teases, though I'm probably the one that gets the worst of it.' I commented to myself.

"Well, if you came more often it wouldn't be a problem would it?" The two shared a laugh while I stood in the background –behind Shizuru, I looked around and tried to appear uninterested.

They continued to talk for some time, to me it seemed like meaningless chatter, and after looking through the little knick-knacks at the counter I couldn't help but show that I was bored.

"You know the day you left, sales dropped tremendously! And I've had so many customers ask where you were and why you left! Really Shizuru if you ever want to work with us again just say the word."

"Oh my, that's unfortunate but I think I'm going to focus on my studies for now, but I'll keep that in mind."

"Now, now Shizuru we both know you can handle both at the same time. If you just want more flexible hours, I am more than happy to compromise."

'God! This lady can talk. Shizuru doesn't want to work here so just drop it already!' I rolled my eyes at the two, I know the owner could see me and how bored I was with their conversation but she chose to ignore me and continue with their talk. It's mean to say but her appearance alone was trying my patience and the fact that she ignored me and chose to continue to keep Shizuru from shopping with this pointless conversation was getting to me.

"Hey Shizuru, I'm going to have a look around, okay?" I whispered to her from behind her shoulder. She gave me a slight nod and I left.

I went off to the side browsing through the items, trying to not look too interested or too bored, hoping that Shizuru took my departure as an excuse to leave the conversation.

Flicking through the items I glanced over, back to the two, to realise they were still in deep conversation, openly jesting and laughing their fake laughs, and the stupid lady flinging her hands around making hand gestures as Shizuru stood elegantly in front of her, her hands clasps together motionless in comparison.

'What's taking so long? Why haven't Shizuru walked away yet? Geez, that lady is getting on my nerves… But then again if Shizuru really wants to leave she would have… I mean I've seen how she handles her horde of rabid dogs- I mean fan girls… she probably wants to catch up… guess I'll start shopping with out her…'

Forcing myself to be content with the current situation I distracted myself with the articles of clothing in front of me - it didn't take long for me to pick out a few items of interest.

I looked back to the two, a gnawing feeling of annoyance creped back up the back of my neck:

'They're still talking?' I grumbled to myself and decided to approach the two with the various bras I had chosen in hand.

"Hey, Shizuru." I interrupted, no longer caring about manners and etiquettes.

They turned their attention to me, at long last stopping their conversation.

"I'm going to go try these out, okay? So I'll be in the changing room."

"Would you like some assistance?" The lady asked, finally acting like the saleswoman she was supposed to be. However, unfortunately, I failed to realise it was in fact the manager that offered assistance, instead flashes of my previous experience with Shizuru and the changing room crossed my mind's eye.

"No!" I exclaimed in a reflexive panic, taking a hasty step back, while my eyes were locked onto Shizuru's - whose eyes displayed a glimpse of pain and shock at the one word I said.

It was only a glimpse.

"There's no need, Michiko-san, Natsuki is very proficient with lingerie." She said, her eyes showed no trace of the brief amount of emotions I saw mere moments ago, and she smiled.

It was a smile that reminded me of the one I saw yesterday at her apartment, yet today's smile did not make me feel agitated and annoyed like it did the previous day instead this one made me feel disheartened, as though I did something incredibly wrong.

At that moment I felt an overwhelming need to apologise – for what? I don't know.

I opened my mouth, in hope of conveying words to the brunette but the two had started up their discussions once more, I closed my mouth once again. Turning and walking away to the changing room, a sense of unease and dread filled my chest as though each step I took, I will regret it.

* * *

"Here are your teas, miss, and the chicken sandwiches, one with extra Mayonnaise, you ordered."

"Thank you."

The waiter placed the food and brewages down, and walked away to go serve other customers.

Natsuki and Shizuru sat in a corner of a little café beside the window.

After Natsuki had tried on the items she took to the changing room, she returned to purchase a few that passed her inspections, after her transactions Shizuru and the store owner finally bid each other farewell. Natsuki had offered to look around a bit more so that Shizuru would have a chance to shop, but the brunette declined the offer and expressed that she was not looking for anything in particular so the two proceeded to the promised teashop to grab a light lunch.

Chewing their own sandwiches inside the serene café they quietly enjoyed the view of watching people pass by in their quaint window seat and the comfortable atmosphere between them.

"Neh, Shizuru…? … What happened between us?" Their comfortable silence was broken, a few moments after Natsuki had finished her sandwich.

"What do you mean, Natsuki?" Shizuru gently queried, placing her half-eaten sandwich onto her plate.

"Us! What happened, that caused us to not see each other for like five months?"

"Nothing in particular happened, Natsuki. We just both had school work and other engagements to attend to; it's quite natural and common for friends to lose contact for a while."

The biker stared at the brunette, scepticism evident in those emerald eyes.

"Fine, pretend nothing happened." Natsuki said with a small huff, she then leaned back into her chair and folded her arms, returning her sight outside the window once again.

Shizuru smiled at the delinquent's antics. "But really, five months? Hmm… Do you recall what we did the last time we spent time together?"

The blunette turn her attention back to for companion in front of her, unfolding her arms so she could fiddle with her tea cup. "Um I'm not sure, Mai was the one who told me it was five months ago… something about having Aoi babysitting Mikoto…"

"Ah, yes the time we went out for dinner and Mai-san had work that night, I remember."

The conversation drifted back to silence, only the dull buzz of people around them in the shop is heard.

"By the way, Natsuki, what suddenly compelled you to find me so spontaneously yesterday?" The ex-kaichou quietly asked with her attention focus on her tea at hand.

"Oh, your name came up in a conversation and yeah…" Natsuki replied, letting the end of it drift off.

"Ah, I see." With that Shizuru gave no more input into the conversation and moved her focus from her tea to the outside world on the other side of the window pane.

Sensing an odd vibe between them, Natsuki opt to change the topic.

"Hey. After this, let's go back to my place and watch some movies."

* * *

I read the name plate outside the dorm room as Natsuki fumbled with her keys to unlock the door.

'Kuga-Minagi-Tokiha Resident' is what it displays.

Those words drifted through my head, but I paid little attention to it, my mind was else where.

The scene where Natsuki screeched 'No!' in the lingerie shop and the brief conversation in the teashop kept turning up in my mind.

When we set out earlier today I was determined to keep this "renewed" friendship mellow, so when we arrived at the lingerie shop today, I keep myself occupied with speaking to an old employer. A part of me did this to allow Natsuki a sense of normality and security, to keep myself from frightening her, from making her uncomfortable. And another part… another part wanted to test her, to see if deliberately neglecting her presence would pushed her buttons, and to she if she actually enjoy the attention I gave her - only to her.

Of course she showed her annoyance, but with the way that I was, and the way that I still am, I couldn't tell whether it was because she was never a patient person or that my delusional mind was trying to convince me of the impossible.

I was confused.

I didn't like it, so I continued to neglect her – I ignored her obvious signs of boredom and annoyance, I continued to push those buttons, and I enjoyed it. I liked knowing that she felt annoyed; I liked knowing that _she_ was the one that felt that sense of longing; for her to feel the pain and neglect inside, I- …

…

…

I hate how she can affect my behaviour. I hate it.

And what's more, I truly didn't expect that reaction; in fact I didn't expect a reaction at all.

When Michiko-san, offered to assist her in the changing room, I had said nothing – nothing. But Natsuki presumed that it was I that offered, this only comes to show that our previous encounter, when I had lost my control over my desires, has left a scar on her, and from her reaction – the one that so greatly resemble her other declaration of rejection, showed that a part of her is still afraid, still untrusting of me. But then again, it's not without good reason.

After that, there was that conversation. I knew that the questions I asked would only confirm what I already knew, but I couldn't help but hope for the impossible. When she brought up the fact that we had not seen one another for five months, a flicker of hope arose, inside I soared at the thought that Natsuki had in fact realised my absence the day I had left, that she had missed me so much she was able to count the days we had not seen each other, that there was a chance that she felt for me the way I felt for her.

That was why I asked, asked if she remembered what we did last we met. In truth, I remember quite clearly what it we did and what my last sight of Natsuki was but I had hoped she would be able to answer me and show me that she noticed, that she remembered, that my hopes were not baseless aspirations. Yet, like always, I was disappointed, the outcome was as I had predicted, as I had originally planned – she didn't notice. In fact she had to ask to realise it, it took much of my self-control from letting out a bitter laugh, then and there.

Yet, being the fool in love that I am, even after having my hopes crushed I couldn't help but still have that inkling of optimism that I was a part of Natsuki heart, that somewhere in there I was missed and due to being missed, that Natsuki came to find me. I had hoped that Natsuki herself realised I was gone, have her realise that she could not be happy without me, because she loved me… But like I said I am a fool.

Staring at the back of that beautiful blue hair, I began to wonder.

'What am I doing here? Nothing has changed between us, so why? Why do I stay to endure this torture? In this never-ending battle between my irrational hopes and reality. Why did Natsuki bring us back to this point?'

"Shizuru, do you have anything you want to watch?" she asked me, while rummaging through her DVD collection by the T.V, her back facing me.

I didn't reply. I felt so tired, like I've been awake for years on end. So tired, I could no longer be bothered with pretences and this game we play around the topic neither one of us wish to speak of.

I just want it to end.

"Shizuru?" She turned to look at me, me who no longer wore that stupid mask, me who is just so tired of it all, me who only wishes to admit defeat.

"Natsuki, What am I to you?"

* * *

**A/N:** By the way, sorry for the delayed update, this chapter wasn't very appealing to me, so I didn't have much motivation in writing it, but personally i liked my Shizuru's angst bit at the end and hopefully you all still enjoyed it. ^-^

Also when I referred to the lingerie measurement thing, it was an incident that was hinted in one of the Drama CD tracks, if any1 want tht script just say so or try n find it on youtube (thts where I found it)

FYI next chapter is very dialogue based so hopefully it wnt take long for it to come out. Oh and you guys are probably going to hate me by the end of it. CYA!


	3. Why isn't it enough?

**A/N: **wow i actuali made it for my deadline! its a bit short I ended up cutting out a major section, cos i thought it was pointless, even though its short its supposed to be intense hopefuli it came out ok.

haven't done this for a whil but I'd like to say a special thnx to my reviewers: **Sif Ivaldi, Mutty, teh 321 stars, Bleeding Hopes, renkhal, fyee, SoulAstray, Omni-Obiter, Bloodberry and MissIzzyB **- you guys rock!

Friendly Warning: This is supposed to be an angsty chapter!

**

* * *

**

Why isn't it enough?

"Natsuki, What am I to you?"

She said those words after I had called out to her. She wasn't replying to me before when she was standing silently behind me.

After I had turned to look at her, those were the words I was given – delivered in a soft and disheartened tone.

My eyes were fixed on her; I could only ever recall seeing her, anything remotely, like this: once. She looked broken, like a person with no hope, as though she wanted everything to just end, to give up.

I can see the meaning behind those words, the depths of it, and that my answer won't be as simple as the question seems so deceptively to be – that it may have the power to either bring us together like never before or shatter us completely.

'There is so much at stake on this one answer. But I won't lie, not to her, because our relationship is strong enough to handle the truth, we are strong enough to handle this and come out of this in one piece - I believe it to be so.'

Yet even with my faith in our relationship, I couldn't look at her in the eyes when I answered.

With my eyes cast aside and a hand reflectively reached up to rub at the back of my neck, I gave her my reply:

"Shizuru… You're… like my best friend, like Mai… just a lot better… you know."

I couldn't look at her, I know with those words I had just crushed her, but it was better than deceiving her with false hope and eventually getting to a point where there was no return. With this, like ripping off a band-aid, we can finally put it all behind us and get on with our lives.

The room was silent, it's expected but it was starting to get unbearably uncomfortable and heavy.

"Shi-" I started, only to be interrupted.

"You know I still love you right?" She delivered yet another earth-shattering question, like before her voice was soft but it held an intense under-current of emotions. It was like she was numb to the pain that she is inflicting on herself although it's quite clear she isn't.

'Love. It's not like her to bring this topic into the open but it's obvious by now that this conversation has already entered into unchartered waters, so all I can do, now, is lay down all my cards down and give it to her straight. We'll get through this, somehow.'

"… Yeah, but like I said before, I'm flattered by your feelings and I accept them, it's just that-"

"-you can't return them. But that the problem Natsuki, I can't stay knowing that we can never be more than we are now." She was exasperated.

The beat of my heart quickened.

'I knew it, I knew she had orchestrated the whole thing and she only pretended to never have noticed our time apart. Was she really willing to end our friendship just like that? Without me even having a say? Has our friendship always been this weak? Do I mean so little to her?'

I felt stabs of pain in my chest as those questions followed one after another. My eyes narrowed as I returned my gaze to lock into the crimson ones before me.

"That's why you left, wasn't it? You pretend to not know about our time apart but in fact you were the one that planned and orchestrated everything." The volume of my voice increased as I spoke and my voice shook slightly but kept a forced calm to it, my hands balled up into fists, while the throbbing pain in my chest grew.

The look of mild surprise appeared on her features at my accusation, and then she looked away, taking one hand to rub her eyes whilst shaking her head slightly. She returned to look at me again.

"What if I did, Natsuki? Did you even notice? During those three months, did I ever cross your minds? Did you even miss me or realize I wasn't there before someone else mentioned me? No… You didn't, Natsuki, so why does it matter?" Her voice was level and calm, but hollow, and her reason in her argument threw me off the anger that arose a moment ago and now left me in shock.

It cut me deeply. It hurt that she was right; it hurt to see her like this – so listless and pathetic; to realize how fragile our friendship is; and it hurt the most to know that it was me, that had caused all this. Everything felt like it was falling apart and I could feel the stinging sensations in my eyes as my vision blurred and my throat constrict. My chest tightened.

Then she continued, now in nothing more than a soft whisper - she sounded as though she's but a hair's width away from breaking down.

"Why did you drag me back, Natsuki? Why couldn't you just let our friendship end and rid me of my misery? Weren't we both better off apart?" Her voice started to choke near the end.

A few moments has past and we stood in silence, all I could hear is the heavy unleveled breathing from the brunette in front of me – she's trying to keep herself from crying.

I'm sure the reason she hasn't spoken, apart from giving herself time to gather her emotions, was to give me time to absorb her words and somehow reach the same decision as she has.

But I haven't given up yet, I'm positive that we still have a chance.

"We're not better off apart, Shizuru. All you're doing is running away, what we need to do is work this out, together. Then we can go back to how it was before, like eating lunch and doing stuff together, hanging out..." I spoke with my best attempt at a soothing and calming voice, forcing back my emotions and keeping my voice steady.

"Before? Natsuki?" There were tears in her eyes now, but they're held back. Her voice is starting to break and with a minor shrill to it. "Do you even know how much of a living hell it was for me? How much pain I was going through? No... no, I don't want to go back to that. I want to move forward. I'm not the one running away here, Natsuki… Right now there are only two paths in front of us: one is to end things as they are now, the other… well… you've already made it clear it's not possible."

She stared into my eyes with her crimson ones that were brimming with tears but they still held determination.

It seems like a threat but I know it isn't - I can see it in those red pools that, even though she still feels deeply for me, she no longer believes we can ever be together. No, this isn't a threat, this is Shizuru telling me I only have one choice and that choice is to let her leave.

'She's backing me into a corner... and I don't like it. Things doesn't have to be like this, she's being difficult.' I could feel annoyance well up inside of me.

"Shizuru…" The piercing pain in my chest threatened to bring tears to my eyes. "Why the hell does it have to be like this?! Why can't we just stay friends?!" I tried to keep my emotions in check but I couldn't hold it in anymore – my voice had flared as I questioned her – I felt pain and anger in my chest.

And Shizuru was the same, the once calm and ever elegant Fuuka Academy kaichou has broken down –tears falling freely from her eyes, though her gaze remained strong as ever, and her strangled voice cried:

"Because I can't take it anymore! It hurts too much to be with you... If you really consider me as a friend then don't come looking for me anymore."

I clenched my jaw and gritted my teeth.

'This is bullshit, even if our relationship was hurting her, does she even know how much this is hurting me?! I don't want to lose her. I am not going to lose her. There's no way I'm losing her.'

"No. Why do I have to give up a friend? I haven't done anything wrong! I'm not losing you Shizuru, I've lost a lot of people in my life, and if I can help it, there's no way I'm losing another!"

"Then do you not care that I'm suffering from that friendship?!"

"I don't care! I just want my first friend to stay as my friend! I just want everything to go back to how it was! I haven't done anything to deserve otherwise!" I was shouting with tears falling from my eyes, my foot stomped on the ground as though I was a 5 year old having a tantrum.

And she just looked at me with an unfamiliar look in her eyes; they were still filled with tears. A small motion caught from the corner of my vision told me she just gripped her fist. Then she spoke again with a renewed strong and confident voice, while wiping away the fallen tears.

"Fine, Natsuki. If that's what you want… then fine." With that she stormed out of my dorm room, brushing pass Mai who just entered through the front door.

"Fujino-san?" Mai said just as Shizuru rounded the corner and out of my sight. "Natsuki? What happened?"

She was concerned no doubt from the tears and red-eyes she saw on Shizuru and I, she looked at me as though she was asking if she should do something or if I should do something.

'I want to follow, but I won't – I mean she agreed to stay, right? There's no point in following anymore.'

"It's nothing Mai, just leave it." I dismissed my roommate's concerned query and stalked off to the bathroom to wash my face.

Turning on the tap, I gathered water in my hands.

"_Then do you not care that I'm suffering from that friendship?!"_

'I know it was selfish, but I don't care.' I splashed the water onto my face.

"_Do you even know how much of a living hell it was for me?"_

'It's for the best.' I wiped away the liquid from my face, and gathered more once again from the running tap.

"_Why did you drag me back, Natsuki? Why couldn't you just let our friendship end and rid me of my misery? Weren't we both better off apart?"_

'It's for the best – we'll be happier together... as friends' I repeated to myself as I splashed the cool liquid onto my face.

"_But that the problem Natsuki, I can't stay knowing that we can never be more than we are now."_

My breath hitched again while I tried to wipe the water away from my sore red eyes. I kept wiping... but the water kept dripping off my face.

'Why isn't it enough?'

* * *

**A/N:** Mmmm I can just feel the hate u have for me now ^_^ it's alrite i understand if u hate me and feel compel to write me a review full of hate and anger, go on, its alrite, do it! tell me u hate me for making natsuki act tht way. say it. say it! Muahahaha

N: *tugs on Shizuru's sleeve* Hey, she's acting weird again.

S: *sighs and grabs rope*

okay but seriously, unfortunately chapter 4 will b a while b4 it cums out (school work etc.) so dnt expect the next update for like a month. Sori!

**EDIT:** I've been informed that '-han' is not kyoto ben, I've changed it in all the chapters in A&D n will go on wif shizuru using '-san' from now on. However I'm going to leave S&B as it is.


	4. Why does it hurt so much?

**Why Does It Hurt So Much?**

I stare out of the classroom window as the teacher droned on, I haven't been paying attention for some time now, I'm sure my book is opened at the wrong page but I couldn't care less.

It was a good day outside, bright and sunny, with a stray cloud or two drifting across the sky – completely opposite to how I was feeling inside.

'We haven't spoken for nearly a week. The last time I saw her, she… … I should call her, or at less send her a message and meet up or some thing. We need to talk… but over what? She agreed to stay friends, so I don't want to bring that subject back up… if we started another fight I-I just don't want another fight.'

I released another sigh, as I continued staring out of the clear glass pane.

'I wonder how she is doing.'

* * *

"Neh, Natsuki you've been really out of it the whole week, are you okay?" Mai asked in concern.

We were sitting outside for lunch today, underneath the cool shady tree and on top of the crisp green grass; I sat against the tree with Mai and Mikoto opposite me. I had been staring at the foliage above us when Mai's words reached me.

"Hm? Yeah, I'm fine." I managed a weak smile before I looked down to my barely touched bento Mai prepared for me – there has been more mayo than usual for the past week, I guess it's her subtle way of cheering me up but it's a shame her efforts goes unrewarded.

"Um… about Fujino-san…"

My heart tightens at the name as did my hand that held onto my chopsticks.

"…Maybe you should invite her to the culture festival tomorrow… I mean Mikoto is asking Reito to come, right Mikoto?" The red head turned her attention to our younger friend who had been consuming her two layer bento with great ease.

Curious and innocent golden eyes peered up at us, taking a moment to reconstruct the end of the conversation she had not been paying attention to before, she provided a firm nod and spoke.

"Mm! Ani-ue is coming, he said he is going to buy me lots of non-spicy food!"

"And I think I recall Yukino-chan mentioning something about getting Suzushiro-san to visit. So it'll be fun to have the Student Council to have a little reunion, don't you think? It would be a good excuse to- I mean-"

"Yeah, Ani-ue said he hasn't seen Shizuru in a while. And said it would be safer if the crowd was divided instead of being one… or something? Mai? Do you know what Ani-ue meant?" Mikoto questioned with a perplexed look.

"Probably refers to their fan club…" Mai mumbled before redirecting her attention to the blunette who was in midst of thinking.

"Yeah Mai, that's a good idea, I'll ask if she would like to come." I whipped out my phone from my skirt pocket, instinctively finding her name in my contact list, just as I was to dial and call her, I froze.

The coward within me took hold.

'What if she refuses my call? How do I even speak to her now?'

I feared speaking to her at this moment.

I hesitated, freezing and staring at my hand-held device, sparking concern from my motherly friend.

"Natsuki?" Mai looked at me worriedly.

"Erm, she's probably in class right now. I'll send her a message and get back to you, okay?"

"Sure, it's no hurry."

I looked back at my phone at the name displayed: Fujino Shizuru. The hollowness in my heart deepened as I exited the contact menu and entered the Messaging one.

'Coward.'

* * *

I stood by the entrance gate as people walked pass me: couples, groups of friends and students with their family members chattered as they passed. I waited silently by myself, leaning against the wall and looking towards the oncoming flow of people.

'She said she would come, at least her message did, so she's definitely going to be here. It's not like she's late or anything…' I was feeling anxious inside, after a week of no contact and our friendship getting to be so tense and horrible after our fight…

'I'm just happy she agreed to attend the festival.'

I thought to myself as I turned my head up to look at the clear blue sky; unconsciously a smile graced my face.

'It's a good day.'

Then my attention was drawn back to the flow of people heading towards me; a small commotion was being caused by a mass of people heading my way.

'That's probably Shizuru.' I thought to myself as I pushed off the wall, I prepared myself to glare my way through the masses of her rabid- I mean _eager_ kohais and meet her, like I always do.

I could feel a lump in my throat, my chest constricted – fear was trying to take hold again. I shook it away and stared at the ground to steel myself. I took a few deep breathes.

'Shizuru, was willing enough to come to the festival, the least I can do is be brave enough to meet with her.' I mentally berated myself. I looked back up to the oncoming mass.

'Shit.' The crowd had drawn closer, it was bigger than I thought, and in fact it was larger than usual. Fear grew again, apart of me urged myself to turn and walk away, to run away but I bit back at the motion.

'Shizuru was strong enough to accept my invitation and attempt to comply with my wishes; the least I could do is acknowledge it and attempt to do my part. How can I run away from what I said I wanted?' I repeated internally to myself.

I grit my teeth and clenched my fist as I stormed toward the mass of excited students. My presence became known and those dressed in yellow or blue and white uniform parted near-instantly leaving a straight path ahead of me. When I reached the centre of the crowd I was perplexed.

"Natsuki, did you wait long?" Her accented voice rang through my ears, it sounded… normal. There was no shrill or hurt pain in it, nor was it hollow or emotionless, just normal.

'How I missed that voice.'

"Er, no, not really." I answered uncertainly. Although I was pleased with Shizuru's manner toward me, I was a bit taken back by what I saw.

She was with Reito and Haruka, along with those Executive Committee members in white uniform, whom surrounded them and kept a metre radius between the ex-council members and the swarm of people that surrounded them.

"Um, Shizuru?" I managed to say once I got to her side and continued walking with the mass of people that surrounded us.

"Yes?" She answered while still waving and smiling like a good politician to her loyal (obsessed) fans.

"Er, what's with the parade?" I motioned to the bodyguards in white.

"Word got out that we, the previous student council, was returning for the festival so Yukino-chan organised the Executive Committee to meet us at the train station in order to handle and control the masses." Haruka interrupted, walking beside me on my left, in her self-righteous and authoritative manner that she's always in.

"And it was a good call in Kikukawa-san's part." Reito joined, taking a closer step towards Shizuru's right to enter the conversation – eliciting high pitched squeals from the crowd surrounding us.

"I believe Natsuki's presence may have added to our crowd." Shizuru teased, knowing full well the squeal had nothing to do with me. I looked at her expecting to meet her eyes before I refute venomously against her tease, but then I realised she wasn't looking, she was still waving and smiling at our onlookers as we walked towards the school building.

My heart dropped a little.

"Indeed, you're right, Shizuru. Look there's one now." Reito's gentlemanly voice rang out to us; he raised his arm and waved to one side of the crowd, drawing out someone I really didn't want to see: Takeda.

"Shit." I said under my breath. I moved to hide beside Shizuru, hoping against all hope that the scarred man approaching us would not notice me - meeting him after all those 'encounters' is much too embarrassing to live through.

'Please don't notice me' I mentally pleaded to no one.

"Reito! I didn't know you were coming, oh, and Suzuhiro-san, Fujino-san a-and K-Kuga." He stuttered and walked beside Reito.

I turned to look away hoping to hide my blush on my face and erasing the horrible suicide-inducing memories from the depth of my consciousness.

It wasn't long until we reached the building, the bustling festivities around us grew, and all the while I had my head down and concentrating on the cement beneath my feet, as I tried to calm my heated cheeks.

"Haruka, have you seen the newly reconstructed Student Council room? It would be nice to see it before we head off separately. Could you lead me the way?" Shizuru beside me mentioned bringing my attention onto her.

'She could have just asked me, right?'

"Huh? Oh, yeah I could do that, I have some business with Yukino-chan to attend to anyways." Haruka replied from my other side.

"Then Reito, would you like to join us? It would be like a little council reunion with Yukino-san there as well." Shizuru turned towards Reito and Takeda's direction, not once looking at me.

"Yes, I would be delighted."

"And Takeda-kun?" Her words nearly caused my eyes to pop out.

'Why the hell are you inviting him?!' I thought to myself.

"What? Oh! Um, I wouldn't want to intrude."

I wanted to glare a hole into that boy; warn him not to come; tell him the only reason he's asked is out of courtesy – nothing more. I really didn't want him around.

"Not at all, you're more than welcome to join us."

I felt so betrayed. My eye may have involuntarily twitched. 'Shit. Why Shizuru? Why?'

"And what about Natsuki?" Shizuru asked, only side glancing at me – she took me away from my train of thought.

"Um… I…" My eyes shifted from Shizuru to Takeda that was passed her.

I was torn; I wanted to stay with Shizuru since this was our first encounter after our… fight… it's best to stay with her, right? Plus I invited her to the festival and told her about the council reunion thing, so I should be there! … But then there's him. God! Why did you have to invite him along?! If he wasn't going then I wouldn't be in such turmoil!

"Visiting the Student Council room would probably be a bit boring for Natsuki, since I'm sure you had your fair share of visit throughout the year, am I right?" She paused leaving only enough time for me to look confusedly at her – from what I could see, she had a teasing smile. "If you like, how about I meet with you again afterwards? I hear Mai has a ramen stand this year, I'll come find you there after we've visited the council room." She gave me another smile, one that seems so familiar, yet so foreign – a small sense of irritation grew from the back of my neck.

I glanced again to Takeda – he looked as though he's been holding his breath in anticipation – the sense of irritation grew even more.

"Ah. Yeah, I'll see you there, okay?" I reluctantly replied.

As I walked away from the entrance to the school building; away from the group of people that I was once speaking with, I felt like I was doing the wrong thing again.

My chest felt tight, I felt uneasy and slightly nauseous. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

As I leisurely stroll through the bustling school, lined with stalls on both side, and a blue sky above me, I reflected on what just happened.

'We didn't really get to talk. It's not like we had a chance, with the crowd and all that.' I kicked at a small stone on the ground.

'And Shizuru seemed different… but then again, we did have a fight, I can't expect her to be herself like nothing had happened.' I watched the stone fly towards a red bannered stall and land by the stool that a certain raven haired cat-girl was perched upon.

A small forced smile graced my face. 'But still… she acted as though nothing happened… is it just a front? Or is it something else?'

"Natsuki!" Mai yelled from behind the make-shift out door kitchen. Her wooden stall was like one of those ramen stands you find outside, where single middle-aged businessmen eat before they returned home after a hard day's work; it had a red banner that said 'Omai Ramen'. The only occupant at the moment was the said cat-girl: Mikoto, and like always, guzzling the large bowl of ramen in front of her with great ease.

'Sometimes I wonder if she just opens her throat and let the food slide down' A shiver ran up my spine at the possibility.

"Natsuki? Where's Fujino-san? I thought you were going to wait for her at the entrance…" She asked.

I watched Mai as she asked her question, her expression changed from genuinely curious to worry and finally to a slight panic – as though she had just treaded onto dangerous waters, then she left her sentence to drift.

'I'm worrying her'

Before I could reply, from the corner of my eye I could see Mikoto scurrying with her bowl of ramen.

"Natsuki! Mai's ramen is really good! You should have some!" she exclaimed loudly and childishly, while presenting the large half-eaten serving right next to my face and her mouth still filled with half chew strings of noodle.

'I guess she does chew her food…'

"Ah, no, I'll wait until Shizuru gets here. Thanks anyway." I turned my attention back towards Mai, who just breathed a sigh of relief. "Shizuru has gone to visit the council room with the others, but she's coming to find me here after."

"Oh? That's good; she can try some of my new ramen recipes." I could hear the exaggerated cheer in her voice. I wanted to change the subject.

"Mm. By the way, Mai, your stall seems a bit… dead right now… are you going to be alright?" Taking a look at my surroundings I was right, there was only the three of us at her stall, and Mikoto was the only one eating, and I doubt she even paid for it.

"Yeah, well I'm hoping it picks up closer to noon but if not, I'm sure I can get my friends to help advertise. Right, Natsuki?" Her supposedly evil and plotting smile brought a genuine smile to my face and that was where our light and joking small talk left off.

After some time actual customers came and Mai had to attend to them while I sat aside – Mikoto had left to find Nao, and so I was left to my own musing, that which I had been putting off - my thought went back to Shizuru.

'How shall I act when Shizuru gets here? It's obvious we should talk things out – calmly this time… but…' I felt myself being struck with fear again - my chest tightened at the thought of confronting her again; of the yelling; of her leaving, without the promise of returning – fear.

I gave out a long sigh and looked up to the clouded sky.

'I can't do this.' I thought gravely to myself.

"Natsuki, is that Fujino-san?" Mai asked, taking me from my thoughts.

I looked from the sky to Mai, then to the crowd behind me – there it was a small group of giggling girls walking toward us and at the centre it all was her.

"Thank you for walking me here." Shizuru took a small bow to her surrounding fans – her back towards me.

"That's alright, Onee-sama." I felt a shiver and the sense of repulsion grow at their squealing. "Are you sure you wouldn't like us to accompany you for the festival?"

"Yes, I'll be quite fine, thank you."

"Are you sure- -!" This was where I come in; from behind Shizuru I gave the squealing fans a cold and dangerous glare – freezing them to their spot.

"Yes, I'm quite sure. Natsuki will be accompanying me today." Shizuru replied – I can just imagine that fake polite smile on her face now.

"O-okay. Then, good-day to you, Fujino-sama." The group of frightened girls said whilst bowing and about to rush off.

"Well… Actually, if you would like, and have the time, perhaps we can have lunch together - Mai-san makes wonderful dishes, right Natsuki?" She offered, her face turning to the side so that I was in her peripheral vision as she asked for my opinion.

I was in shock; I stared at her in disbelief.

'She did NOT just invite those girls to have lunch with us. No, she can't have. There's no way.'

As my mind tried to process, my eye twitched as they glanced from Shizuru to the girls before her – they too looked shock – shocked and indecisive, probably because in their minds they were processing what they had just heard as well, and tossing between whether to eat lunch with their much admired idol or avoid the risk of eating with me.

I crinkled my brow and glanced back to the brunette in front of me.

'She must be up to something. Why the heck, did she invite them?!'

Seeing her features, she looked… odd - her expression, although I could only see a little, seemed overly happy and cheerful – fake, like she's trying to cover up something. Then she fully turned to face me her gaze clearly sweeping over me and rested onto something behind me

'Mai?'

Thoroughly confused – I noticed her eyes, they held a certain trace of mischief – she's up to something but I can't tell what, so I choose to just give them a straight answer.

"Er, yeah. Her food is… good… ?" I finally answered hesitantly, raising a brow at Shizuru.

"Th-then please excuse us for intruding, Fujino-sama." The leader of the pack stuttered. They then made their way to the stool beside the stall – making a point to keep Shizuru between them and me.

Disgruntled, I turned to face back at Mai and pulling out the seat beside me for Shizuru, before hunching over the bench and grumbling.

From the corner of my eye I could see her sitting down, smoothing out her skirt, while obviously and deliberately ignoring my blatant complaint at our 'guests'.

'Not only can we not speak in private now, but those girls will probably keep Shizuru's attention for the whole time until they leave! I can't even enjoy a meal with them around.'

I let out a deep sigh

'Despite the cheerful atmosphere, I can't help but feel things are not going well.'

* * *

'Two hours?! Who in the world take two hours to eat ramen?!'

"Well, we'll be off now Onee-sama. It was very enjoyable having lunch with you today. And thank you for the food, it was delicious" The girls gave Shizuru and Mai a bow before they skipped away.

I was visibly irritated at this point – there's only so much squealing and incestuous fawning I could take and my limit was past an hour ago. My hands and teeth were clenched, breathing deeply from my nose I tried to calm myself down.

"Thank you, Mai-san. It truly was delicious; I must get the recipe off you some day."

"No, no. Thank you, Fujino-san, if it wasn't for you, my stand wouldn't have had so much business today!"

"I'm glad to be of service to you then."

"Well, anyways you and Natsuki should go and enjoy the festival. Neh… Natsuki?"

Mai looked cautiously at me, aware that I wasn't in the best of moods; I took another deep breath to calm myself some more before I answered her, but then Shizuru spoke again.

"Perhaps we should wait until Mai-san's break first. It'll be more fun, right Natsuki?"

For some reason my attention perked at Shizuru's invitation to Mai, as though my instincts were starting to pick something up.

'Another unwanted invitation? No, no. Mai's a friend, it's not unwanted. And the others… they were to be polite and to help Mai… right?'

An uneasy feeling washed over me, dowsing the irritation that had built up over the last two hours a bit, my hand wanted to reach hers and take her attention away from Mai and onto me – for some reason I wanted her to look at me.

'Does she not want to be alone with me? But… it's only natural, isn't it? We just had a fight, so it'll still be a bit awkward, so it's best to be with a group of friends… but then why does that idea make me feel worst?'

"No." Mai's stern voice replied, and then she broke into a more cheerful tone. "I mean, you two should go enjoy the culture festival together, my break won't be up until a long time from now, and it'll be a waste to spend your day back at the academy here at just my stall."

"But, Mai-san -"

"No, buts. Shoo. Shoo" Mai finally ushered us away.

I dug my hands into my hoodie pockets and looked to the ground as I walked.

"That's Mai for you. We can come and get her back later though." I started the conversation and only stealing side glances at my friend.

She gave me a nod and an affirmative hum.

I stole another glance: she held a soft smile, while her eyes looked clearly at the path ahead.

"So, where will Natsuki take me today?" Her voice chimed – not once glancing towards me.

"Er, erm, how about the tea ceremony place? You were there last year right?"

* * *

The day wore on. We visited a few places around the school – visiting a few cultural clubs, and a play – but… how should I say this… the whole day, it felt off. More so than I thought it would.

Our conversations were short and few – whatever topic I brought up, it didn't go anywhere, and Shizuru seemed content as we were - not trying desperately to fill the silence as I have been.

'Maybe this is all in my head.'

But then there was the other thing I noticed, she hasn't been meeting my eyes. She's rarely looked straight at me and when she does, it doesn't feel as though she's really looking – it's more like she's sees right through me.

I couldn't help but fidget.

"Is Natsuki nervous about the haunted house?" Her voice spoke out to me while we climbed the stairs to the second floor where the haunted house, or should I say my classroom were on.

'Should I be taking her teasing as a good or bad sign?'

"Pfft. You do remember how Orphans look like, don't you? There's no way I would be scared of some cheap costume." I gave her a cocky smirk, trying to lighten up the mood but all I got was a patronising smile – that was another thing: all the smiles she gave me today were odd. I've seen them before but I can't place them anywhere and they have grown to really annoy me.

Walking with her; our short conversation; the absence of eye contact; those strange smiles – they're all making me uncomfortable.

There is an eerie tension between us, at least to me there is, she doesn't seem to sense it or maybe she's just good at hiding the awkwardness, but this tension is slowly suffocating me.

'Is it really okay to leave our fight as it was?'

We haven't spoken about our fight yet, she hadn't brought it up and I… I haven't either.

I didn't want to ruin the mood we were in, and the nice day we're spending together…

_I'm not the one running away here, Natsuki…_

'Running away? … Is that want I'm doing?'

I stopped in my steps and soon Shizuru stopped as well, turning to face me – to see why I had stopped. I stared straight into her eyes that looked right through me.

"Shizuru, about the other day…" I began, and soon left my sentence to drift.

"I don't want to speak of it Natsuki." It was blunt and final. Her tone was as emotionless as her eyes, swiftly she turn to continue on the path while she continued to speak. "There's nothing to talk about anyways, is there?"

She was right, there wasn't anything that I wanted to talk about concerning our argument – the result of it is what I wanted and I didn't want to change that, I didn't want to dig up any of the other things we spoke about, I didn't want to hurt her or myself anymore – it hurts enough already.

I looked out of the corridor window and I could see that the clouds had gotten darker since before.

Silently I followed behind her.

We waited in the line outside my classroom, both of us leaning against the sill of the indoor window – we stood together silently, as groups of friends and couples waited their turns as well amidst constant chatter, occasionally they would glance at us.

"This is Natsuki and Mai's class, right? Why is it that the two of you don't have to participate?" She broke the silence; the tension was finally too much, even for her.

I struggle to decide how to answer – the tone of my voice, the volume, the eye contact.

'If I looked at her would she be looking back? Would she be actually looking at me?'

I took the coward's way out: I watched the people passing by us in the line as I answered in the most normal tone I could muster.

"Mai got special permission to open her ramen stall from the director; somehow she was able to convince Fumi-san to let her get a part of the profit she earns today. It was something about Takumi, I believe… So she doesn't have to participate with the class' event" One of my hands went to rub the back of my neck, and subconsciously I glance at Shizuru – she wasn't looking at me, but at the people passing by as well. Looking at the side of her face, she wasn't displaying any emotions; she was just blankly looking around; her eyes were dim; that annoying smile – absent.

"And Natsuki?" The annoying smile creped up her face, it was so… empty?

I whipped my head around with exaggeration – hoping to seem playful and to wash away the remaining bad tension in the air.

'Is that it? The reason why her smile bugs me is because they seem empty?'

"Next." My classmate said.

We walked through the thick dark curtains that blocked the light from outside. There was a lamp nearby, covered by a red shade causing it to give off an eerie light. We walk up side by side, with me leading the way by half a step.

We rounded a corner to find a crappy looking grave yard, obviously made from cardboard and paint, a hidden stereo nearby played the sound of hallow wind and bats screeching away.

Our only path was to go into a 'tomb', which was nothing more than a make-shift painted cardboard door with curtains on either side. I went through first expecting to find someone to jump out at me, but instead I was met with a cold wet sensation on my face.

"Eck. What in the world?" I took hold of the wet object and squinted to see what it was. The light from the red lamp didn't shine through the 'tomb' door every well; in fact the path ahead was in complete darkness.

"What is it Natsuki?" Shizuru asked, like me she wasn't fazed at all.

"I think it's a sponge." I squeezed the object to confirm its texture.

"Hmm… I hope they didn't use the one they clean the toilets with."

Immediately I let go of it. I looked around into the darkness trying to get my eyes to adjust or to find something that indicated the way we were supposed to go. My hearing and senses told me Shizuru walked past me, turning my attention to the direction she moved to, I spotted a dim floating blue flame-like light.

Proceeding to the blue flame, exaggerated ghoulish moan came from different directions, and from behind the floating moving blue a white figure could be seen.

The white figure wore a white dishevelled long-sleeved yukata stained with red from the left shoulder down to the right side of her waist; its hair was long and straw-like and a bit of it was in the its mouth – it was a classic ghost.

It staggered towards us; walking as though it had a limp, it groaned with each step, its arms were held out revealing bloodied hands… that was holding onto a camera…

"Chie?" I said in an unimpressed tone.

"Mou. Natsuki-chin is no fun! You're supposed to go 'Kyaa!' at the sight of me!" Chie replied, breaking her character.

I could hear Shizuru giggle beside me.

"Ara, Chie-san looks quite stunning in a yukata."

"Why, thank you, Fujino-sama. Though I'm not sure if I'm too please with that, since I'm suppose to be scary and all."

"Well you're not. This whole thing is a joke; I can't believe we paid for this. And why the heck are you holding a cam-"

"RARH!!!"

"Kyaa!" A blinding flash light which was followed by hysterical laughter.

I had turned around immediately, along with Shizuru who turned to see who was behind us as well.

Judging from the laughter it was Aoi in a hideous face mask.

While I was busy complaining to Chie it seems that Aoi took that chance to sneak up behind the two of us – she had heavily placed a hand on both our shoulders and roared loudly in my ear causing me to jump and cry that embarrassing cry.

The two of them was still in hysterics; clutching their stomach with laughter.

"Chie! Did you get a good picture?" Aoi asked as she caught her breath.

"Yes! I can't believe how scared you got Natsuki!"

"Sh-shut up! Anyone would jump if someone suddenly came out like that!"

"But you went 'Kyaa!' If only we had a recorder!"

I could feel my cheeks flare. I took Shizuru by the wrist and storm through the haunted house – passing by several costumed people without as much as a glance at them.

Finally we reached what I believed to be the exit, but it wasn't exactly – it was a section of the classroom that was just before the door to the corridor, it was lit with natural light from the uncovered classroom window, whilst the window and door to the corridor was still covered and obscured. In this section there were a laptop and a printer, manned by one or two of my classmates and several of the participants before us were crowded around the laptop.

"Fu-Fujino-sama? How was the haunted house?" A few of Shizuru's fans that entered before us came up and spoke to her. I stood aside to calm my face.

"I got a bit of a fright but everything else was a blur."

I glanced at Shizuru entertaining her fan girls again, I never understood why she bothered – she should just ignore them like I do.

My attention was caught onto a classmate of mine that just rushed to the laptop, his uniform was ripped in some places and fake blood was splatter around.

'Must of planted him somewhere to trick people who went through'

I walked over to the laptop to see what it was they were up to when I saw my face uploaded onto the screen.

My eyes widened. The photo had me on one side; my eyes were closed shut in mid-scream; Aoi in her horrible melting mutant face-like mask was in the middle, facing towards me; and Shizuru was on the other side, her eyes were wide in shock – you can see at that moment she nearly jumped out of her own skin.

'This isn't something you get to see everyday.'

I ordered two prints of the photo, and that the file was to be deleted afterwards immediately afterwards.

I tucked the photos in my jacket pocket as I returned to Shizuru's side; she was still there listening to those squealing girls' stories.

'Like always she's wearing that same, fake, empty… Fuck.'

I don't think pissed is a word you can describe me anymore.

At my realisation I took Shizuru's wrist and dragged her out and away from her circle of fan girls.

'… Is that what I am to her now?'

There were sounds of protest as I slammed open the sliding door.

"Ara, it seems I'm needed elsewhere."

I stormed through the corridor and past all the people walking around, taking her along with me.

"Is there somewhere Natsuki is in a hurry to go to?" She asked as she quickened her pace to keep up with me, going with my flow.

I didn't reply; I ignored her – right now we need to find a place to talk, alone.

We went down the stairs, and stepped outside and past all the stalls, the people and everything else – they seem to be making their way inside.

"Natsuki, the weather s doesn't look very good; perhaps we should make our way inside?"

Once again, I ignored her. We crossed the foot path and the grass to finally get to somewhere that no body was – the flower garden.

We stopped, I let go of her wrist and we stood in silence – she was waiting for me to speak.

"Why?" I began to tremble with rage.

"What are you talking about, Natsuki?" There were no genuine concern in her voice – she knew exactly what I meant.

"Why are you treating me like another one of your fucking fan girls?!"

Pissed isn't a word you can describe me anymore, instead I was angry, offended, betrayed and most importantly devastated. It was like I was demoted, no longer a friend but someone more distant than even strangers. It was patronising.

'Didn't you agree to go back to how things were? To us being friends?'

The rage I felt started to bring water to my eyes. I turned to face her and she looked at me square in the face – looking right through me.

The stress of the day seem to all crash onto me at once – the uneasiness, the irritation, the uncertainty, the nauseating feeling of fear in my chest, and the memory of our last fight.

'Will this end in my favour as well?'

"I don't understand what you mean, Natsuki. This whole day I have been treating you as that of a friend." She used her fake concerned tone – one that she uses when she pretends to care for one of those idiot girls that cry to her about one thing or another.

"You know full well what I mean. Or are you saying you consider those girls that chase after you as friends?" I tried my hardest to keep my emotions under control – I'm emotional right now, I'll admit that but she… she acts as though this was nothing, in her reply she switched to her thinking pose – it's like she's making fun of me.

"Hmm… Most of them are quite nice girls but I must say the majority are acquaintances at best…"

"Shizuru!" I roared – I dug my nails into my hands as my fist clenched even tighter.

She stopped in her posing – letting out a small sigh, she looked dejectedly at me

"Natsuki, isn't this, what you wanted? For us: to be friends. This is how I am with my friends."

"No, no it isn't. I want us to go back to how things were, I want you to smile and look at me the way you used to."

"That was when I was in love with you, Natsuki. This is how things will be now."

I gritted my teeth as I felt tiny specks of rain drop fall on me and the cold breeze past us by.

'She's just doing this to back me into a corner. She's punishing me. She's forcing me to cave to her demands.'

I glared defiantly into her eyes – they were finally looking at me, but they were sad and broken.

'I'm not going to lose.'

"If that's what you want then, fine." I said bitterly in a strong voice.

I closed the few steps between us and grabbed her face with both my hands – pulling her in; I closed my eyes and awaited the contact. But instead I was met with a resounding-

Slap.

I froze in shock, I stare at the ground in front of me, slowly raising my hand to hold my stinging cheek, and the few drops of tears I held back before fell from my eyes.

I could hear the pattering sound of rainfall fall around us.

"I'm sorry Kuga-san it seems that friendship, even in your own terms, is impossible for us."

By the time I looked back up, she was walking away – I could only she her back retreating away from me.

I stared speechlessly as she disappeared from my sights. And heavy rain poured down on me, blending in with my tears that fell silently.

My hand continued to caress my stinging cheek. Why does it hurt so much?

* * *

**Author's Rant**: You can ignore this, I just needed to vent and self-criticize.

I hate this chapter! I had such a hard time writing this! GR! The sudden change in mood from the last chapter was deliberate, but it doesn't mean I like it!  
Natsuki was so awkward in this chapter it made it hard to write for her. And don't get me started on Shizuru, I had no idea how I wanted her to act after the fight, apart from the fact I wanted the goal of this chapter to be that 'Natsuki doesn't like how Shizuru treats her now' and that the confrontation in the end leads to 'Shizuru walking away' I had nothing to run on.  
There's a lot of unnecessary scenes as well, they were supposed to subtely show you how Shizuru was treating Natsuki and how it was slowly building up on Natsuki, but I don't really think it showed through.  
And then I got lazy and rushed everything! I totally made Natsuki snap out of no where and suddenly put the chapter in overdrive! Gah! but I'm too tired to be bothered.

This chapter is 14 pages long in my Word and contains 6295 words, so hopefully the lenght makes up for the two month long wait.


	5. Why do I love you?

**A/N:** Sorry people! This chapter is going to be another melodramtic one and it's also very dialogue based, so I tried to increase the word count by means of description… which kind of caused it to be a bit confusing on who is talking, so if it's a real problem, tell me and I'll change the fonts or something so you can differentiate between characters.

**

* * *

Why do I love you?**

I unlocked the door with my keys - my movements were dull.

Stepping in, I dropped the metal trinkets onto the nearby table – I was drenched, after Shizuru had left I stood in the rain for hours, tears blending with the downpour silently, then I wandered the campus listlessly after my silent tears stopped falling. I ignored all the calls I had – I couldn't even think in that blur of a few hours.

"Natsuki? Where have you been? I called but you wouldn't pick up." Mai exited from the bathroom with a toothbrush at hand and froth overflowing from the corners of her mouth.

The moment she saw me she knew something was wrong; she dashed back into the bathroom to rinse her mouth.

"Mai…?" Mikoto asked timidly from the crouch, she looked at me with great concern and then turned to Mai who had returned with a towel in hand.

My eyes were downcast; I couldn't look at her - I didn't want to break down or look so desperately weak in front of Mikoto of all people.

"Mai. I think… I'm going to go over to Nao and Aoi's room for a bit. Call me if you need anything." She quietly slipped by me as Mai nodded and threw the dry towel over my head.

The door clicked shut behind me.

"Natsuki, what happened?" She asked in concern, gently but firmly wiping down my hair with the soft towel.

"Mai." My voice chocked. My eyes began to sting and I began to wail softly and uncontrollably. I buried my face into her open arms – uncontrollably pouring my heart out in the process.

"It hurt. It hurt so much" I couldn't even feel the cold that my body had taken shivering to. The pain was too much to bear, that even crying into a friend's open arms did next to nothing to sooth the hollowness that was consuming me.

I cried quietly in her arms, my breath hitching and choking every so often whilst she just patiently and caringly waited on me.

After some time of just crying into my red headed friend's nightshirt, my tears subsided and I found myself sitting on the couch, several metres from where we were originally standing.

'I wonder when we had moved.'

I pulled back from Mai's comforting hold – unable to meet her eyes and accept my display of weakness; my eyes focused on the damp towel left on the floor by our feet.

'What do I do now?'

"Natsuki."

My ears perked and my heart jumped – I was startled, and anxious.

'I'm not ready to talk about it yet. It still hurts.' I willed myself to look up; expecting imploring eyes I, myself, held a pleading gaze – desperate that she doesn't ask anything right now. And to my relief Mai had a kind and understanding smile.

"Maybe you should go take a bath. I'll have some nice warm hot chocolate waiting for you when you come out, okay?"

I wanted to smile at her consideration – somehow show her my gratitude, but the most I could do was give her a faint nod before proceeding to the bath.

I exited through the bathroom door with steam flowing past me, to find Mai sitting at the dining table with the promised drink. This time I managed a force smile.

Given the time in the bath I had calm down a lot – my swollen red eyes went down and now only held a tinge of pink, the hollow pain in my chest dwindled to a dull ache, and my throat no longer felt that every word I spoke will initiate another burst of tears.

Without a word, I pulled out a chair and sat down opposite her. I held the mug with both my hands to warm them – my eyes were fixated on the rising steam.

"Feeling better?" Mai asked. I avoided looking at her as she spoke to me.

"Mm" I gave her an affirmative grunt – my throat still felt raw.

At my answer, Mai paused – it felt heavy – and after the moment of silence Mai spoke again:

"Do you want to talk about it?" Her voice was unsure and left a lot of room for me to refuse.

I silently mulled over her offer, watching the white air rise from the brown liquid, I debated whether I should involve Mai or not.

"Natsuki, you don't have to, if you don't want to. Just know that I'm here whenever you need me."

"Shizuru and I had a fight." My statement may have caught her off guard but she immediately straightens in her seat, giving me her full attention.

"What, was it about?"

I fidgeted in my seat – it was already growing uncomfortable, I was never accustomed to speaking about the subject of love and relationships, there was never a case where I had think about it so seriously: admirers, strangers and fans were people I never had to even consider before I reject them; and I was too busy with my own affairs to take notice of others or fantasise about love like the other girls my age. Yet, Shizuru was different – because she was a friend I took her confession seriously, I thought I had my rejection to her settled and dealt with, so why is it such a mess? Did I go about it wrong? Was it something that I did?

'Why can't I let her go?'

"I told you about Shizuru's feelings before right?"

Mai took a moment to absorb and process what I had asked – she has probably already figured out the basis of the fight, and is deciding on how to react.

"You told me that she had feelings for you, but you didn't feel the same way, so you two decided to just remain friends…"

"Well… Shizuru doesn't want to stay friends." I replied solemnly.

"And I take it that you do"

"Of course I do! She's my first important friend… I don't want to lose her…" I agreed promptly

"Well, I can understand that…" I had taken to staring at Mai's hands as we talked; after she had spoken she drew her own mug of brown steaming liquid to her lips and the conversation drifted into silence.

'Perhaps even Mai wouldn't know what to do in this situation. What is there do if the opposing person makes it their mission to avoid you?'

"And you know, for the last few months that we hadn't seen each other? She planned it, she was deliberately avoiding me." I felt compelled to share that information, hoping it would point out the severity of my and Shizuru's situation and how much help we need for it.

"Oh." It was the only word I got from Mai – she wasn't helping, there was no input or advice that she could give me, I don't even know why I'm telling her this now.

I was growing irritated again. 'Is there nothing we can do?'

"Natsuki, do you mind if I ask you something?" My annoyance subsided, and I look up at her – her voice was surprisingly cautious.

I gave her a nod.

"How do you feel about Fujino-san, now?"

The seriousness in her eyes made it had to hold her gaze, I darted my line of sight back to my untouched beverage.

"She's… she's, like, an old friend to me – someone I can depend on and probably trust my life with…"

"And romantically?"

"Mai…" I sighed deeply, I knew this question was coming and for some reason my answer made my chest feel tight "I don't see her that way. I just want things the way they were, where we could be together without things being awkward or out of place." I pushed my mug forward as I buried my face into my arms, sighing loudly once again. "But, what should I do? She said she doesn't want to go back, and saying that we're better off apart."

I wanted to cry again, the chest had tightened as I spoke. And Mai took several more moments to take in what I said.

'This really doesn't feel like it's going anywhere.'

"Natsuki… If you want my honest advice, I think you should leave her."

My eyes snapped open; I looked up at her in disbelief.

'I wanted her help to solve the situation, not the other way around.'

She looked at my shock expression and her face softens – as though she was trying to make it easier for me by doing so.

"Natsuki, have you ever considered that Fujino-san was getting hurt from that situation? I think… maybe she left because she couldn't handle being with you but not… with you"

'That's what she said as well…'

"Natsuki… If you don't love her then let her go, let her feelings simmer and maybe someday when you meet each other again, the two of you can become friends again."

'Someday?' I buried my face into my arms once more – everything felt so heavy.

"I can't. I just can't, Mai. I can't let her go, but I can't love her either. Isn't there another way?" My voice held desperation and pain, but it was disguised by the muffling effect of my arms.

"Why can't you let her go? Can't you pretend as though she's a friend that went overseas? Wouldn't that be okay?"

I moved while she asked me those questions – I held my head tightly with my arms, my hands rested on the back of my head whilst my forehead rested on the cool hard table.

'I don't know… I don't know why this is affecting me so much. But I can't pretend either way – it's not like it's unavoidable – she's leaving me on purpose, how is that okay?!'

I couldn't give Mai an answer, it was too much to put into words – words that I can't even find, and she noticed my lack in response.

"If you can't answer those questions, then how about this: Natsuki, why can't you love her? It looks to me that Fujino-san is more than just a friend to you. Tell me would you be this bothered if I was in Fujino-san's shoes?" I raised my head up again, running a hand through my hair, I looked at Mai – I'm sure my eyes looked tired and defeated.

"Mai… do you think I never considered that? After the HiME thing, I thought it over but… the idea of me with girls is just… It not that I find them wrong or disgusting, it's just that the idea of me and a girl together is-"

I was struggling to finish my sentence and Mai took pity on me.

"It's alright Natsuki; you don't have to explain yourself anymore, everyone has their likes and dislikes, and I guess I made a mistake about yours. If the idea of you and Fujino-san together makes you uncomfortable then you shouldn't force yourself" She then took a sip of her hot chocolate and my eyes stayed fixed onto the mug from then on.

I couldn't tell her.

'In all honesty I haven't even tried to imagine me and Shizuru as more than friends – as lovers - if I couldn't stand the thought of me with a random girl, how can I think of myself with her? A close friend no less - no, no it would be too awkward, it would be like Mai thinking of Takumi or something - it just wouldn't be right. But then why did I try to kiss her? Out of spite? Anger? … Desperation? Mai wouldn't be happy if I told her what I did. Talking to her hasn't helped at all.'

Both my hand ran through my hair – taking comfort in grasping chucks of it on either side as I rest my head on the base of my palms.

"Regardless, Natsuki. I think you should give Shizuru some space for now."

Our conversation ended there, I didn't reply to her last suggestion nor did I refuse it.

We were resting in our beds now – Mikoto having returned after Mai texted her. I never noticed how perceptive she is – being able to sense something is wrong and knowing not to ask about it. But she was still too young to know how to act towards me, so she opted to leave me be the rest of the night. Something I would choose to do, myself.

In the dark, lying in my bed I stared at the whitish coloured ceiling.

'_If you don't love her then let her go_.'

My chest plummeted.

'_You shouldn't force yourself_.' My hand instinctively rose to cradle my cheek.

'But I did, I tried and…'

'_I'm sorry Kuga-san it seems that friendship, even in your own terms, is impossible for us_.'

'…I did something unforgivable.'

My mind felt so clouded – I squeezed my eyes shut hoping to forget the occurrences of today - just for now. When I opened my eyes again, I was surrounded by darkness.

I could see nothing. I swept my eyes left and right and all I saw was darkness.

Then I heard it – the soft sounds of whimpering.

I turned my head to its direction and I could see just a faint glow in a distance – my feet began making its way to the glow – gradually picking up speed as I approached it.

It looks like a person curled up on the ground, their back facing me, and their long chestnut coloured hair pooled on the ground.

'Shizuru?' I broke into a sprint – I felt light and I made short work of the distance that was left – but I stop short of half a metre.

I stood behind her – her skin gave off a faint golden glow, and she was curled up in a foetal position on the ground – the sounds of whimpering escaping from her occasionally.

'Why is she here? Is she hurt?'

"- - -" I tried to call her name but no sound came out.

I tried again but louder while I knelt down to turn her body to face me. It was then I realised an invisible wall separated us.

"---" My voice was still absent.

My hands traced the wall – it was firm and wide – I pounded against it in hopes to get her attention, I began screaming the name that won't come out.

"---!" Neither my voice nor the supposedly heavy pounding I made against the invisible wall made a sound.

'Shizuru just turn around. I'm here, don't cry. I'm here.'

I felt desperate – I wanted to make sure Shizuru was okay; to comfort her; to say her name; to have her look at me. It felt so futile.

Tears filled my eyes.

'Shizuru!'

I woke up startled – the familiar ceiling above me was blurred, and I swiped away the tears that rolled down my face. The light snores from the bed beside me filled the would-be silent room.

I couldn't go back to sleep.

I left the dorm room early the next morning – feeling a long bike ride would be a lot better than lying sleeplessly in bed. In my biker suit I rode into the morning chill all around Fuuka again and again hoping to rest my mind.

'_I think you should give Shizuru some space for now_'

'So why am I here?' I asked myself as I stared at the familiar door.

My heart beat loudly – I felt panicked and scared of what is held behind this door. I haven't decided what I was here to do or here to say, I haven't considered what could happen or will happen, but one question kept jumping up in my mind and ultimately drove me to be here and now:

'Would it be okay to just leave things as they are and hope everything to settle themselves?'

I doubt things would go so smoothly. I raised my hand ready to knock – and taking a deep breath I finally willed the strength in my arms to move.

An uninvited guest in the late afternoon – I could only dread on who it could be. Unlocking my door - I resigned myself to my fate.

There she was, standing dejectedly with the faintest of a sheepish smile. I no longer had the strength to even try to mask my features – I looked at her with badly hidden annoyance and exasperation.

'Must she come so soon? Not even a full day gone by and she seeks to wound me more.'

"Is there something I can help you with, Kuga-san?" I asked coldly over my threshold.

Her eyes widened for a fraction before being consumed with the look of guilt.

"Can I come in?" She asked with her head bowed in shame.

I was already hurt and annoyed, so it didn't help that she adds to that throbbing pain with her display of weakness and defeat.

I didn't want her to come in but I couldn't keep her outside either - if I had to reveal my true self, I'd rather have it behind close doors. I turned aside allowing room for her to pass into my apartment.

Despite my instinct to offer tea this instance I stood my ground, closing the door behind me I stayed by the door with my arms folded and my sights on her.

It was obvious that my actions were not what we were both used to, and her posture showed that she felt uncomfortable by it. Standing about a metre away of me, she shifted her weight occasionally from one leg to the other, one of her hand reached up to rub her neck gingerly and her eyes – they could not meet mine.

My eyes narrowed to sharpen my stern gaze at her.

"So how do I owe this pleasure of a visit?" My voice was spiteful – I just no longer wanted to pretend for her and she should know it.

She continued to fidget, shifting her weight even more; her eyes darted around, still refusing to meet mine; her speech was hesitant and full of worry:

"Shi-Shizuru… I was thinking that, um…" She was uncertain of what she wanted which served to annoy me even more.

'Why did you even come?' My eyes couldn't help but softened at the question, as sadness attempted to consume me once again, it was then she finally looked up at me; meeting my eyes before I could disguise them.

She saw it, I'm sure of it – because at that moment when our eyes met, the uncertainty and whatever hectic rambling that was occurring in her delicate mind came to a grinding halt – now her face held the look of pity.

'I messed up.' Mentally, I berated myself. 'I don't want her pity.'

"Shizuru… About yesterday…" Her voice was delicately soft and it sickened me.

'I don't want to be comforted by you'

"I'm sorry."

'I don't want your apologies.'

"I wasn't myself and- no, I was myself… I'm not going to make excuses. I did stupid things and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you yesterday and any time before. I just- I just-"

'I don't want to hear it.'

"I just wanted us to be friends again, to how things were-"

"I believe Kuga-san made things quite clear, yesterday, that friendship will not work out between us."

With the feeling of sadness and frustration welling up inside and the amount of stress and emotions bottling up for the last week I was surprise how steady my voice was. I was quite cold and firm with her and at the mention of her last name once again, I could see her flinch.

She made a face; scrunching her brow and biting the inside of her bottom lip like she was a child that was unrightfully scolded.

"I- I shouldn't have done that, I know that, but I just wanted us to go back – to how we first started off, back then when we first became friends."

"But I never saw you as a friend." I said it as emotionlessly as I could; trying my best to keep myself detached, but it only resulted to my voice becoming soft and weak. "It may have taken me a while to realise that I had fell in love with you, but I don't believe I ever truly saw you as only a friend."

Her eyes showed pain at what I said, her sight turned downcast as she accepted my reason.

I never liked her pained expression.

'Will she understand now? That we can never go back to how things were.'

"Then… I don't care"

My heart dropped once again. 'Do you really don't?'

"Whether it's the friendship we had yesterday or the friendship we had before, I don't care which one, as long as you're fine with it and you don't leave me." She raised her face and looked forcefully determined at me "What ever you can give me, I'll take it."

Her plea was the final strike that broke me, she looked like she was desperate and in so much pain but still, she tried to hold it all in - it was difficult to refuse. I wanted to say yes, I wanted to relieve her from that discomfort.

'But it hurts too much.'

My previously annoyed and spiteful attitude shattered like the fragile mask that it was, leaving only me behind – the 'me' that is so without hope and so utterly tired.

"Please, Natsuki." I hated how weak and exhausted I sounded; my throat felt constricted as I my heart slowly began to crumble again. "I'm not as selfless as I thought I was; I'm not as strong as people believe I am; and… I can't be the friend you expect me to be." I managed to finish my sentence without shedding a tear, but my strained voice and defeated demeanour should have been enough to show that my heart was pouring out from inside.

No longer did I try to hide my pain, I stared pleadingly into her eyes - and I could only see anguish. Not only did I not surrender to her plea, I made a heart felt one of my own – one that she was so torn over.

She was not blind, nor is she so dim that she can not see the torment that I'm in; yesterday and the fight before, she was too occupied with her own pain to pay consideration to mine – like a cornered frightened animal; unable to decipher their surroundings and only focused on survival - she did what she felt was the best, but now it seems she finally realise how things truly are.

Moments passed and the anguish in her eyes was engulfed by sadness. My heart felt lighter, but at the same time more hollow than ever.

"I'm sorry, Shizuru." Her usually stern and sharp green eyes stared apologetically at me.

'Will this be the relief I've been seeking so direly for? But why do I fear her next words?'

"I can't. I just can't."

With that she took her leave, walking briskly pass me, opening and closing the door behind her as I stood still in silence. The weight of the world came crashing down on me, and I let out the small breath I did not know I held.

'So has nothing changed? Will we go back to how things were? … Why do I have to go through all this pain? … Why? … Why do I love you?'

* * *

**A/N:** And that concludes the Ambiguous portion! Guess what that means! ... I start on the Defined portion!

I usually don't like dream scenes since they're surreal and seemingly pointless to the plot, but they're quite useful as a realising/soul-finding mechanism, and unfortunately for you guys there's more coming up in the next update... which probably won't be up for a few weeks.

Also I've tried to explain Natsuki's childish, self-centred, jerky behaviour for the last fw chapters near the end but it may not have came across strongly enough. My portrayal of her is more of an emotionally inept girl and I'm making it that her behaviour during the carnival and Subtle and Blunt to be considered as 'lucky strikes' on her part - somehow knowing what to do but not really knowing what it is she should/is doing... sooo... yeah... don't hate her too much...


	6. I hold you to keep myself by your side

**A/N:** Omg! It was like I dug myself the biggest hole in the world! I had such a hard time trying to resolve all the angst/drama stuff in this chapter! Hopefully I did okay…

**

* * *

Defined**

**I Hold You to Keep Myself by Your Side.**

'Shizuru!'

I ran as fast as I could; chasing the ghost of a woman that grew steadily smaller in the far off distance.

'Why can't I reach her? Why is it that every step I take brings me no where closer to her? Where is she going?' I thought despairingly to myself.

In the complete darkness that surrounded us, she was the only source of light – her body radiating a soft glow. She had only been metres away from me but now I can barely make out her form in the distance. My hand reached out towards her just as the darkness engulfed me.

'Shizuru!'

My eyes snapped open – the increasingly familiar ceiling greeted me, along with the gradually comforting snores from my dear room mates.

It has been hours since I had left Shizuru's apartment - unable to comply with her wishes or make clear my own actions for the future – I had left with a simple apology.

But it feels like it has been so long. The image of her and that defeated expression she held felt so long ago, yet so recent - everything feels so tiring…

Still, in that seemingly long period of time I can not recall anything to fill in the gaps; nothing was memorable to me.

'How did I get home?' I wondered 'Did I eat dinner? … How did I act with Mai and Mikoto?'

I can't remember anything between now and before; I can only remember that face – that desolate and pained face on the one that I've always known to have a strong and gathered mind.

'What have I done?'

The look of hurt and discomfort as she turned to leave me behind is burned into my mind's eye – it keeps bringing a painful hollow feeling in my chest.

'No, wait, she didn't leave this time… I did. That was the dream wasn't it? Or am I mixing things up with the day before?'I let out a sigh and palmed my face. 'I don't know. I just feel so exhausted.'

I rolled to my side and my hand searched for my phone, lighting the screen I noted the time.

'3.30 AM. About an hour since I last checked. I probably only slept a fraction of that.'

I turned back onto my back; looking up to the ceiling I began to recount the event of the past week once again, my heart grew heavy with every thought. Even as the sun rose I couldn't think of anything to make me feel better about our situation – no solution, no plan.

'What should we do?'

* * *

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

In class, my mind took refuge in the most mundane things. Keeping watch of the mechanical clock; following the second hand tick around endlessly in its simple, rhythmic and repetitive actions - it helped me keep my mind off things, along with observing the smallest actions by my teacher and peers when they are concentrating or slacking off – but they could only distract me for so long.

My mind kept going back to Shizuru; to us – yet it keeps goings in circles.

Despite my distractions, gradually, my mind would wander and ponder: from what has happened; to what we said and then, it will always go back to the same place and the same question – where do we go from here?

I had to will myself to stop thinking there – this wasn't the right time or place to be thinking of such an important topic.

'But then when is the right time or place? And what more is there to think about? Haven't I already gone though my choices? We-'

I found myself staring pensively at my textbook again – causing my teacher to look at me in concern. Knowing what possible concern the afro-haired man could have towards me staring thoughtfully at a book, I gave him a dismissive and uninterested look to disperse his unnecessary concern.

I turned my attention to the outside world hoping for something to keep my mind occupied – at least until the end of the period.

* * *

Watching as the endless sheet of grey float in the sky above, my generally untouched bento sat beside my lying form. I was up on the rooftop of the school, no one was around since no one chanced the bad weather that we had – and I savoured the feeling of being alone again.

I had refused having lunch with Mai and Mikoto – I doubt they would like to be around me as I am now - it would have been awkward and bothersome. Besides, right now, I prefer to be alone, like I've always been…

Once again, my thoughts went back to her.

She was the one that barged into my life and made her self at home, becoming my friend before I knew it… but now she's abandoning that post and trying to leave me behind – all by myself, like before.

The sensation of loneliness washed over me.

'Why is it that I can't stand the thought of going back to that solitude? Even though I had been happy enough with my life before she came along… Is it because I no longer have a sense of purpose since First District is gone? Or is it because I'm so used to having friends now that I can't go back?'

I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping the darkness will help me still my mind and halt the hordes of questions that was flooding out.

'Friends, I consider Mai and Mikoto friends now, right? But… but they can't compare with Shizuru, she has been with me through so much more and for a longer time, her place in my life is a lot higher than those two – she was my most precious person, how can I knowingly let her leave my life now?'

I can feel my chest clench again.

'I want us to go back, I yearn for our old peaceful days – where we were happy… but I guess '_we' _were never happy – only I was – ignorant of her pain, I was the only one happy in those days. Even now, I'm only thinking of myself.

To be with me, but not truly be with me – that's how I'm hurting her. Even back then… after the Hime thing, I know… I know a part of me had already knew she was hiding her pain, but I pretended not to see it – trying to dance around the subject and never treading upon it – hoping against all hope that things will just settle the way I wanted it to, without actually having to address the problem.'

I heaved a heavy sigh and palmed my face. Squeezing my eyes shut to fall into momentarily darkness again.

I felt so drained.

'I had always known she was in pain. Why had it taken me so long to realise it? Why did I act so shocked when I heard it last week? I only admit to being selfish then, but I had been for so long'

I opened my eyes to stare into the grey sky above me - little droplets of water fell onto my face as acceptance finally visited me.

'We can't go back, it will only lead to hurting her. We can only go forward.'

I got up from the ground, picking up my bento, I headed back inside - tossing the barely touch food into a nearby bin.

The small raindrops grew more frequent and heavy as time passed by.

* * *

"- as you can see, the low area from the coast will bring a strong south-easterly and bring a storm towards -"

The T.V. buzzed in the background along with the sounds of running water in the kitchen as I entered our dorm room.

"Natsuki?" Mai called out.

I walked into the living room, seeing Mai's back towards me as she washed the dishes.

"Mm." I grunted. Placing down my book bag beside my bed, I made my way towards the kitchen area to drop off my bento box.

'I want to be alone.' I thought to myself

My eyes scanned the area: our living room was just a big space with no walls so it was effectively the kitchen, bedroom and dining room at the same time - there was no privacy here, unless you include the toilet.

Placing the box beside the sink next to Mai, I spoke.

"I'm going out for a bit; don't need to leave me dinner."

"Ok, but it's raining out so-" She stopped in her speech, and looked worriedly at me. "Natsuki, you don't look so great, are you sure you don't want to rest for a bit?"

"No." Startled at my supposedly weary features I palmed my face hastily, and walked away quickly towards the beds again. "No, I just haven't been sleeping well. But I'm fine."

"Oh." Mai gave an uncertain reply - she knew the reason why I was so ragged but she doesn't know what to do with it. "Um, okay, but don't ride your bike okay? It'll be dangerous if you drive now."

I wasn't certain if by danger she meant the rain or my condition but in the end I complied.

I had a change of clothes and took an umbrella before heading out – I could feel Mai's concern eyes on me the whole time.

Exiting the dorm building, I popped the umbrella up, the sounds of raindrops on the fabric tapped loudly with the surrounding patter of rain. The splashing sounds of footsteps dashing towards me by students caught in the weather without an umbrella.

Without a direction in mind, I let my feet lead the way.

As I distanced myself from the dorm building the flow of people thinned, and my mind felt at eased enough to ponder once more.

'If we can't go back, then are there really only two options ahead of us?'

I couldn't help but grimace at the memory of our first fight - before I had been too stubborn to accept it, but thinking on it now, I can't think of another path we can take.

'Either we separate and let her love die out for me or be together and let it grow - there is no middle ground… because it will only cause her more pain.'

My shoes were getting soaked from the numerous puddles I had unwittingly walked through, the steady downpour of rain fell straight down and the absence of wind felt unnerving. It was weather that made people feel dull and depressed; it would usually cause people to want to stay home and cosy up in their warm beds and sleep; however I felt unnaturally comfortable in it, like I belonged out here in the cold horrible weather, where my surrounding environment felt the same as my inner turmoil.

I was tempted to lower my umbrella and let the rain soak me from head to toe; to let the droplets beat down on me but I didn't, the added worry and concern in Mai's eyes would be too much to bear - I'm making her worried enough as it is.

I paused.

'… I wonder when I had started to caring. Caring on whether my actions affected others. My old self would never had been so considerate – my business was my own; I did what I wanted to as long as I deemed it necessary, I was hard headed and stubborn like that… I guess I've changed…

But have I? Have I really? ...

I may be more considerate than I used to be, but I'm still stubborn – I still refuse and reject things without giving them a chance; pushing my own ideals and actions ahead of others… and end up hurting the one close to me.'

I was like a child – overwhelmed by everything I choose to let my selfish side stomp and yell for what I wanted, ignoring all else.

My stubbornness wouldn't let me consider the consequences; my options; or the pain I was inflicting – leaving my most precious person to be in worst of situations.

'There are only two paths in front of us.' I took a moment to contemplate that thought again.

'I should just tell her that I like her, that would solve my problem, wouldn't it?' I told myself in all seriousness and let out a bitter and painful laugh.

'I really am too stubborn.'

I heaved a heavy sigh. Hours pass as I stared mindlessly at the falling rain. It wasn't until the clothes on my back had soaked through that I realised that the wind had picked up and caused the raindrops to hit me at an angle, and to finally decide to return to my dorm.

The gloomy weather and dimming sky added to my increasingly heavy eyes.

'Will I be able to sleep tonight?'

* * *

Step after step, the soles of my feet collided with the firm yet non-existent darkness. I pumped my legs to reach her. I can see those soft tresses against that bare, soft-glowing back become bigger and bigger, and easier to see.

I was gaining on her. Her leisurely paced movements, that somehow allowed her to elude me before, are no match for my sprint - this time I'll catch her; this time I'll stop those tears; this time I will be able to hold her tightly in my arms.

Only a metre away: exhausted and tired I lunged at her form as my last ditch effort to grab her.

My actions should have tackled her to the ground, making us a pile heap on the floor, but somehow we were both standing.

Loosening my grip around her body I realised my head is over her chest – we were facing each other. Looking up, I found her staring down at me – she was stoic and emotionless; her eyes were dim and empty with a steady stream of tears flowing silently down her cheeks – she was like a lifeless shell.

"Shizuru?" I asked in concern, but I was startled. Startled by the disappearance of the firm bare skin that was just recently against mine - she had felt solid for a moment but then, she disappeared through my fingers like a mixture of liquid and mist.

Staring horrifically into my empty hands, I looked back up to realise she was gone – leaving only a faint glow in her wake – a glow that slowly diminished and left me in darkness.

I woke up to see that damned ceiling again.

I felt so tired but I could feel my heart throbbing annoyingly in my chest – refusing to let me rest. Adrenaline and panic was setting in from my dream – I need to get up.

It was dark and the wind howled outside; forcing the window to tremble from the force – adding to the worried and dreading feeling in me.

The stormy weather outside masked the rustling sounds I made as I found and wore my bike suit in the dark. My movements were wobbly from my groggy and sleep-deprived mind.

"Natsuki." Mikoto's soft voice called out while I was twisting the doorknob to leave.

She was always more alert at night – Mai's has a hard time waking her in the mornings but at night she would always notice if I got up in the middle for one reason or another.

I halted in the doorway, keeping my back towards her as I tried to think of what to say. I didn't want to explain myself - I needed to go.

"She'll still be there if you were a few minutes later, so don't drive so fast. And be careful, okay?"

I felt relief at the lack of questions and at the same time: guilt at the realisation that my crisis had caused even Mikoto to know and watch silently in concern over me.

I nodded and offered a low grunt at my acknowledgement as I closed the door behind me.

My path ahead was going to be a strenuous one.

Arriving at her apartment complex was an exhausting task – the heavy rain beating down on me and the brutal wind affecting my steering, along with my exhausted and weary mind made the drive difficult but luckily without accidents. I walked through the lobby and corridors leaving a trail of drenched footsteps behind, finally reaching her door step I knocked confidently and loudly at her door.

* * *

I had a wearing day.

Keeping up my appearances to all those around me and masking my inner turmoil the whole day took a toll on my mentality. And the constant vigilance I held at the prospect of her coming to find me again added to my fatigue.

So when my sleep was disturbed by loud abrupt banging at my door, the fog of sleep slowly took it's time to lift away from me, and the banging started becoming more and more desperate and urgent.

I got up and found a bathrobe to cover myself – I noted the time from the clock beside my bed.

'Who would be knocking at two in the morning?' I mentally questioned although my heart had already began fearing the answer.

Cautiously approaching my front door, I made sure the chain was in place before I spoke:

"Who's there?"

"Shizuru." Her tired voice resounded through the wooden door.

'Natsuki.' I unchained the door and open it to see her completely drenched and soaked form – the droplets of water slid easily down her leather suit soaking the carpet floor outside my door; her hair drip a steady steam of water too; her eye stared desperately at me.

"Natsuki, what are you doing here?" I asked softly with slight accusation.

It hurts to see her. I have no idea what's happening between us anymore – she had left through this very door over a day ago, leaving me with no clear indication on what she intends to do, and now I find her knocking at my door in the middle of the night, and during a storm? How am I supposed to react to that?

I don't want to go back to that torturous situation - we can't be friends anymore; I don't want to see her anymore – so why does she keep coming back?

"I… I was worried about you…" Her eyes looked down timidly, shyly picking up my hand I had left hanging limply by my side.

My heart skipped a beat. Quickly I retracted my hand.

I can hear the thunderous rain beating against the window outside from behind me.

'Why would she be worried over a small storm? Isn't it more dangerous with her riding a bike through this weather? Whatever the case is, I can't tell her to turn back now; she'll have to stay for the night.'

"I'll go get you a towel and some spare clothes." I turned from the open door, allowing her to enter as I went to my room to retrieve the mentioned items. It felt like she was watching me the entire time.

She came out of the bathroom wearing the loose shirt and track pants I lent her. I had laid down a thick blanket on the couch and was making my way to my room again – stopping inside the frame I paused. I didn't look at her; instead my gaze took comfort at the wall beside her as I spoke.

"You can sleep in the living room tonight. We'll… talk in the morning." Habitually my eyes stole a quick glance at her features before I escape into my room – it was as though she was lost and longing for something.

Closing the door behind me I strode to my bed and took refuge under the covers from the cold – my chest having a clenching throb all the while.

'I don't know why she's here but we'll speak to each other in the morning. For now I'll try to calm my heart and clear my mind, and hopefully get some rest for the reminder of the night.'

I closed my eyes and took deep calming breaths – steadying my shaken psyche.

I heard my bedroom door click and scrap at the carpeted floor – my eyes opened.

Soft foot steps made its way towards to my bed as I clench my eyes shut again; my heart beating rapidly.

I could feel the covers behind me lift and a heavy weight lie down. I tried to turn to question her actions but unfamiliar arms around my waist and a small pressure against my back halted my movement.

"Natsuki?" I squeaked with uncertainty.

'Why is she here? What is she doing?' My heart beat went up – I was bordering panic.

"You know, Shizuru." Her voice: she sounded quiet and dull, like someone forced her to wake in the middle of her deep sleep and making her hold a conversation. "I've been having these strange dreams lately, actually in a way they are amazing."

'What is she talking about?'

"What are you doing here?" I interrupted but was ignored.

"They told me a lot for dreams. They told me how I was ignoring your pain; effectively I separated the two of us." Odd pauses in her speech made me question if she even knew what she was talking about. "But even when I realised what I had done I still refused to accept the facts, trying my best to reach you: I couldn't, because despite what I did I wasn't moving forward – I refused to move forward - and I lost you." Her arms squeezed tighter around me. "Then when I forced myself to reach you – to be with you; to like you - I found that it would only kill you, and then you'll truly disappear from me - forever." She dug her face further into my back, pressing her body closer to mine.

I couldn't take it anymore, she wasn't making sense and from the little that did make sense, she admitted she can't force herself to like me, so there's no hope for us.

I sat up, taking myself away from her embrace and moved back on the bed facing her. She had followed my movements – sitting up, and attempted to move forward towards me.

"Stop. I don't understand why you're doing this and what it's supposed to mean but I can't take this anymore, Natsuki." The contact we had before had tore down my emotional wall so effortlessly – I felt like a wreck, I was already at the brink of tears and my voice had choked.

'Why are you here?'

"Shizuru." She called out softly to me in comfort – her hand rising to cradle my face.

I batted it away and inch back even more. In the darkness, only the filtered light from the curtained window behind me provided any light, and even that was little – I could only make out her outlined form and occasionally the sparkle of her eyes.

"What do you want from me? I can't take this anymore, Natsuki. It hurts too much – I can't be your friend, I can't give you friendship. I just… I just don't want to see you anymore, Natsuki." Tears fell from my eyes, my breathing began to hitch and choke. The clenching throb in my chest increased with every beat. My throat felt raw as I made my declaration and plea.

"Shizuru. Shizuru." She cooed softly. Moving forward to cradle my head in her chest, and rocked me back and forth. I was too emotional and tired to resist – instead I let myself cry weakly against her chest.

We stay like that for some very long minutes, in silence then she finally spoke – as though she too was close to breaking. Her voice was emotional and desperate.

"Shizuru, it took me three night's sleep to realise it, please don't tell me it's too late. Please, give the chance to make things right. Please."

Like all other time in this night, I didn't know what she was referring to. I accepted that she was talking nonsense, perhaps from her lack of sleep and exhaustion.

I too, was tired – more emotionally than physically. I fell asleep sitting in her arms, soaking the shirt I lent her with my tears.

I walked in a leisurely pace, I couldn't tell how far we walked in the darkness but I know we were moving forward.

I glanced down to the hand that I held in mine, looking up I see her face looking forward with a faint genuine smile – it brought a smile to my own features.

I faced forward as well – my steps: confident and steadily paced, I wasn't panicked or desperate – I was comfortable and happy.

My smile brightened and I squeezed the hand in mine a little tighter as our naked forms continued in their stroll, silently telling her:

'I hold you to keep myself by your side.'

* * *

**A/N**: Seems like my fic isn't everyone's cup of tea – well to each their own, I like it and some of you out there like this story and that's good enough for me! And since you're here now (at the END of one of my chapters) I'm going to say you don't mind it too much, so thanks for reading!

By the way sorry for the late update, as you can see it's a double release – hope that will appease some of you. Now off you go!


	7. My Soul Mate

**My Soul Mate**

My eyes opened to see a blur of caramel tresses, a wondrous scent and comforting warmth wrapped in my arms. I couldn't help but smile contently in my half-sleep as I tightened my hold on the wiggling person in my arms.

My senses became increasingly aware of my surroundings as the fog of sleep lifted from my drowsy mind – I was in her arms; I could hear her soft shallow breaths as her chest moved to and fro from my forehead; her scent and her warmth bathed me.

The memory from the night before came back to me – I had fell asleep while crying in her comforting hold and to her cooing voice – I felt disappointed at myself for showing such weakness.

The words she spoke and the meaning behind them – I didn't understand any of it – all that I took in last night was her actions: seeking me in the middle of a storm, tentatively holding my hand, holding me – it was all too much.

'Why does she continue to torture me? What is it that she wants? What exactly did she 'realise'?'

I peeled my eyes open to witness the shirt I lent her rise and fall from me. My eyes felt heavy and tired from the tears I shed last night, and I could felt my throat constrict from my own questions. I bit back at the oncoming flood and scolded myself once again for my incompetence.

For the past week I had been so useless: unable to build a wall that can withstand her onslaught of attacks I kept breaking down in front of her – my mask crumbled to reveal my tears and anger; my immaturity; my emotions.

My weakness had only ever led me to pain – even now, I had let my base desires take control and allowed myself to stay in her arms some more; to bask in the warmth that does not reflect the love I wish she would display; to breath in the scent that is not rightfully mine. I let myself fall into the abyss again and soon I will met the bottom and the met the pain of loving her again.

'I need to be strong.' I told myself.

I tried to move away, shuffling back with as little movement as possible, but her hold tightened bringing me even closer to her beating heart. She made a small mumble of disagreement – perhaps she thought I was a pillow. Regardless, this time I firmly pushed against her, and she relented, extracting myself from her warmth I looked into her slowly opening groggy eyes. There was no shock or horror in those emerald orbs – she is clearly aware of where she is and who I am.

'That's good, at least that means last night rambling may actually be explained today.' I thought to myself, keeping my attention to the more practical of things.

"Shizuru?" she spoke out questioningly.

"It's late we should get up." I said disguising any emotions that tried to escape. It was only nine, but I didn't want to drag this out any longer than we have to. "I'll go make some tea."

I got off the bed and walked away, as I did I felt something brush my wrist.

Exiting my bedroom and entering the kitchen I was closely followed by Natsuki - she had hastily gotten up after me.

Entering the kitchen I had expected her to sit by the dining table on the other side of the breakfast bar and wait, but from the corner of my eye I could see that she opted to lean her back against the kitchen bench beside me and watch as I prepared our tea.

It was disturbing how comfortable she was with the silence – not once trying to fill it with explanations about the events that occurred last night or try to pretend that none of it had ever happened. And the fact she chooses to stay so close –blatantly watching me – it made me all the more uncomfortable.

'What is it that you want?'

Having finished making the tea and making our way to the dining table I placed her cup on one side of the furnishing and mine on the other. Not a word had been spoken since we left the bedroom and we sat in the silence as we sipped our beverages I started getting wary of the absence of words.

My childish and vindictive side had shone through - neither speaking or make eye contact with her – I was determined to let her begin the conversation; have her bring up the topic that she believed to be so important that she had to rush to my side and cause me to break me down again.

'Is there nothing you want to say? Or do you wish to skate around the topic like we always do? … I thought we were passed this.'

I glanced up to see her – she blew away the steam rising from the cup in deep thought- staring into space, her grip tight around the small cup.

'At least she's thinking on what to say' I thought. 'But this has dragged on for long enough.'

In the end I relented - I couldn't let my immaturity be the cause of my continued discomfort.

"Natsuki, why are you here?" I spoke in an unfeeling voice.

It felt idiotic to ask again.

I looked at her previously downcast gaze that stared at the stream rising from her cup then into her eyes as she raised her head up to meet mine before she answered.

"I was worried about you."

'The same answer.'

She gave me lop-sided grin as though she expected the answer and smile would be enough to satisfy my question, but it wasn't and I refuse to let it.

"Natsuki. It was safer for me in my bed at home than it was for you riding on your bike in a storm." I countered in a slight scolding tone.

'I'll admit I'm not in the best of moods. If she hadn't have come, I would not have broken down so horribly, I know I'm lashing out at her for my own inability to hide myself but even I'm allowed to have my childish sides.'

"That's not what I meant." She replied awkwardly, then taking a short pause before continuing. "I was worried about you Shizuru. I-I didn't want to lose you."

She looked deeply into my eyes for a moment before I turned my sights back onto my tea.

'But you are going to lose me.' I mentally replied.

Our conversation fell into silence – I battled with myself to not read too far into her words and not let that flame of hope flicker once more.

Then her words came back to me: _I refused to move forward - and I lost you._

'Those dreams she spoke of, is that what they mean? Why did she tell me about them?'

The memories of her rambling returned to me.

_I forced myself to reach you – to be with you; to like you - I found that it would only kill you, and then you'll truly disappear from me – forever._

'Was it all just to tell me that we can never be together the way I wish it to be? Are you telling me that you finally realised that you can't love me?'

I felt hollow – I had already accepted that fact yet it still hurts to realise it again.

"Natsuki what…" I started.

I wanted to ask but I hesitated to question those dreams – it would have been too much too soon for me to handle. I decided to ask about that which has irked me the moment she had spoken it.

"What were you talking about when you mentioned that you realised something? And wanted 'a chance to make things right'?"

My heart started to beat faster; I felt an underlining hope behind that question and behind her answer – I felt nervous.

'Why?'

Slowly my eyes travelled back up: passing over her hands that seemed clammy as it held onto her tea cup; over her chest that heaved up and down as though she was nervous and panicked; over her lips that appears as though she was trying her hardest to control her breathing and finally I reached her eyes that turned up to look at me. It felt like my heart had jumped to my throat.

'Why are we so nervous?'

"Shizuru, I-" She stopped abruptly, her voice had sounded rushed, she then took a visibly deep breath and closed her eyes momentarily to calm herself – she looked back at me with determination. "I… I know I don't' deserve it, after all that I had put you through… After all that I had put us through. But I… I wanted to see - to find out – if… if…"

Her determination had disappeared with every word she spoke and by now she was near mumbling and her gaze steadily fell back onto the tea cup in her hands.

She paused; I wasn't sure if she had finished her statement in a silence mumble without my realisation or if it was indeed just a pause. She took another deep breath – steeling her self to look at me again – and like before her eyes held the look of confidence and determination.

"I wanted to see if I liked you the same way you like me." She announced in a firm voice, a faint blush adorned on her face.

My eyes widened whilst my heart threatened to break out of my chest, my mind should have been in chaos but instead it was empty with but a single sentence:

_I wanted to see if I liked you the same way you like me._

'It can't be…'

I was in disbelief and my mind started to try and convince myself that I heard wrong – that I misunderstood – but her demeanour spoke otherwise. Her hands had moved from the teacup onto the table – gripping onto the sides with obvious strain, her locked jaw and un-relaxed posture that displayed her anxiety, and her watchful eye that gauged my reaction and begged for a favourable reply – I had heard correctly.

Yet my cynical side won't allow me to accept those words so easily.

"Natsuki, if this is out of pity then…"

"No! No, it's not!" She said frantically, standing up and pushing her seat back all of a sudden then as quick as her abrupt movement she calmed down and looked shy and saddened, looking down before she continued to speak "…I told you, I told you that I couldn't do that… I don't want to hurt you anymore… I-" she turned her head and whispered the end of her sentence – I could only barely hear it "I don't want to lose you."

Our conversation from last night was finally making sense to me.

My mind at long last accepted her words and it churned to decide what I should do about them.

'Should I give her that chance? Do I risk another heart break for a chance for me to be loved by her? Will she finally let me go if she doesn't? But… I'm scared I don't want to hurt any more, there's only so much I can take. If I let my hopes grow now then…'

"Shizuru"

Her one word silenced the voices in my head and quietens the worries and fear that was threatening to consume me – now they only linger in the fringes of my mind.

I looked back into her eyes – those pleading yet beautiful sparkling eyes. I had already chosen my answer – it was decided long before today, I already know…

"Natsuki… What… What do you want me to do?" I took a deep strangled breath, trying my hardest to keep my turbulent emotions in check. "What should I do to let you figure out what I mean to you?"

My heart bet loudly in my chest, with every beat it drove deeper into me – I was scared; scared of what I had just invited onto myself; scared that all of this will end up for the worst, but try as I might I am still a hopeless fool in love. I had been willing to kill and be killed for her, this fear and anxiety; I will endure for a little longer.

She smiled a shy and bashful smile at my response. Her cheeks faintly tinted red, her eyes averted to the side, and a hand moved up to rub the back of her neck. The feeling of desperation and seriousness suddenly left her leaving behind an awkward air – the sudden change in atmosphere left me at lost for my surroundings.

"Actually Shizuru… I think I've already figured it out…" She started.

I noticed her eyes flicked up to me, but I quickly diverted mine to the cold cup of tea in my hands – a constricting feeling grew in my throat.

"I mean, I doubt I would be so upset over something like this if it was anyone else… I mean if Mai tried to 'cut me out' so to say, I'd probably be annoyed but knowing me, I would pretend it didn't faze me – so I know that you're more than 'just a friend' to me." She continued in her light-hearted tone.

I gripped my cup a little harder, willing my breathing to steady itself and my heart to calm and not let my hopes soar until I was certain.

"Though, I still can't really see you as my l-lover." The last word came out as little more than a squeak. "B-But that's because I never really tried! I-I mean… that kind of thing is kind of… yeah… um"

From there she let her sentence drift into silence. I could hear from her voice alone that she was blushing profoundly at the thought – this made my heart drop – from her demeanour it felt the conversation was turning in my favour but her words drives me away from my hopes once again.

It's like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.

'To you, am I more than a friend but less than a lover? Then… Then what am I?'

"But…" Her voice was quiet and soft again – it seems I'm not the only one whose emotions have gone all over the place. "When I woke up this morning, I have never been so much at peace… I've never felt so… so… happy."

She spoke with so much meaning behind it - I didn't need to hear anymore, I know what she wants to say.

I couldn't help but smile as my breathing hitched and drops of tears fell into my beverage – tears different from the ones I shed in the past weeks.

Her hand reached over to mine, gently prying my fingers to hold in hers. I looked into her green eyes with my own tear-filled ones. And she spoke in earnest:

"Shizuru… to me, you are more than just a friend, probably more than just a lover… you mean so much more to me… it's like you're… you're…"

She couldn't find the word but I squeezed her hand in mine to tell her I understood. Because despite everything, I had always thought she was mine - my soul mate.

**

* * *

A/N: **Short and unsatisfying. Just the way you like it! What? It's not? Guess I'll have to try and improve on that next time, which will be a LONG time away - I have no idea where it's heading anymore no plot or goal therefore no motivation. Lets hope that the plot bunny intends to attack me in the near future


	8. More Than You Can Give Me

**A/N: **Sorry about the late update (see, I told you it'll be a while) I had a hard time writing cause I developed a sort of 'Love-Hate' relationship with this fic (maybe it's because of my writers block or the way I'm writing those two...)

**

* * *

More Than You Can Give Me**

'More than a friend, and more than a lover, she is…' My voice choked in my throat, it was difficult to formulate those words. Even though, she means so much to me I can't seem to grasp the phrase in my mind.

I know my heart and my entirety already has the answer, perhaps for a long time now, but I just couldn't form the words. I wanted to push myself to say it – to ignore my reddening face and my pounding heart but the gentle squeeze of my hand told me there wasn't a need to.

Her crimson eyes, brimming with tears, told me she understood and that there was no need to force myself to say it.

So instead I gave her a small smile, then letting my gaze fall back down to our awkwardly held hands – we sat in silence.

The world around us felt so… empty – despite everything that happened – it was lifeless and quiet, almost like it was on a knife's edge: bordering on awkward, but I feel so incredibly comfortable in it and I wouldn't want to change a thing – at least, not for the time being.

Right now, I just feel exhausted – with everything we've been through; pouring our hearts out – I just want this silent reprieve to last a little longer: keeping the almost dead air, filled only with the sounds of the outside world, as it is; having only the two of us in this room, with our out-of-place hands holding shyly in each others; and protecting that fragile understanding we had finally established.

No… I don't want to risk anything that may jeopardize this, not even the slightest movement.

Suddenly the din of the room was disrupted by a loud melody – shaking the two of us out of our silent world and back to reality.

We both looked towards the bathroom where the sound came from.

"That's my phone." I mumbled as I gently let go of her hand and pushed my chair back.

From the corner of my eye I could see she returned her attention to her now lukewarm beverage, gingerly holding the cup with the hands I held moments ago.

"Hello." I answered the phone gruffly once I found it amongst the pile of leather laid over the side of the bathtub.

"Natsuki?"

"Mai." If I hadn't been so emotionally exhausted perhaps I would have felt annoyance or maybe fear for what I know is about to come:

"I can't believe you went driving in a middle of a storm! What were you thinking?" She was angry but I couldn't help but feel happy from her scolding because it was completely smothered with concern. "Where are you? Are you okay? Are you hurt?" She continued with her barrage of questions

"Mai, Natsuki is-" Mikoto voice appeared in the background before the angry tone of the red-headed chef return again.

"I don't want to hear anything from you, Mikoto, you should have stop her but-"

As Mikoto's scolding began, I looked back into the main room through the open door to see Shizuru picking up the cup of teas and proceeding back towards the kitchen.

'I should get back.'

"Mai. I'm fine." I interrupted, halting their bickering on the other side. "I'm not hurt and… I'm at Shizuru's at the moment."

"Oh…You're at Shizuru's?" Her voice suddenly lost all its vigour, as though she suddenly thought she had stepped on a mine.

"See? Mai should listen sometimes." Our young dorm mate huffed in the background.

"Yeah, I'll be back soon, so I'll see you later. Oh and Mai… um, sorry for making you so worried… and thanks."

"…Mm, you're welcome. I'll see you later then."

I made my way back to the kitchen, all the while I wondered what to say once I returned, but my mind was blank – like a clean slate - I had no idea what to say or do; instead I blindly stared at her back as she washed the dishes.

I cleared my throat hoping to get her attention and to get the ball rolling.

"Shizuru?"

Still nothing. My over-relaxed mind did nothing to help – I couldn't help but feel relaxed and at peace regardless of the fear and anxiety I know I should be feeling – just like when we had woken up – I knew I should have been nervous and embarrassed about my rather outrageous behaviour but all I could feel at the time was an odd sense of serenity.

"Natsuki? Was that Mai?" She questioned quietly with her back still facing me and her hands still busy at the sink.

"Yeah she was just checking where I was." It turns out speaking is a lot easier after all.

"She must have been worried; maybe Natsuki should be heading back? Has your bike suit dried yet?"

Her voice sounded unguarded and our conversation felt light hearted and normal; with no hidden meanings and traps behind her words, though it was soft like she too was exhausted from every thing like I was - I appreciate it all the same – because it meant she felt as at peace as I was and that neither of us wanted to fight anymore.

"Yeah, surprisingly, I'll go change into them." I turned back to the bathroom closing the door behind me.

* * *

"Drive safely okay?" She said quietly – it was odd to see her like this – she didn't meet my eyes, instead she stared somewhere around my chin, occasionally glimpsing to my side – it seemed very much like she was shy.

"Yeah, of course. I always do." I replied in a casual tone – unknowingly happy to see this curious side of her.

She smiled – she must have caught on to my mood because her gaze turned back up to me with an unimpressed look and folded arms.

I knew what it meant and it made me look away in pretend embarrassment.

"Okay, I usually do."

The timeless tranquil world around us seemed to have lifted – leaving behind a humorous and friendly air.

Her expression didn't change and I couldn't help but let my own smile broaden.

"Okay, I do whenever you're around."

The edges of her lips that held her unimpressed expression pulled up just a little as though she was holding back an even larger smile.

"Fine! I never do! Why do you keep telling me to drive safely when you know I won't meet your standards of safety?" I exclaimed in a childish manner.

With that, she smiled – unrestrained and with triumph: "So I feel like I tried." She finally noted, in the same tone I had come to miss so sorely.

"Yeah, whatever." I smiled back at her – it feels good to joke carelessly with her again.

As I turned my back and made my way to leave I stopped suddenly.

Fear struck me – it was sudden and unannounced – the memory of losing her without even noticing came back. I felt uncertain. I had happily walked away, blissfully ignorant of her intention to let our friendship fade, in fact how our friendship indeed faded – am I about to walk away again?

With all the previous humour lost, I turned back to her, with an awkward smile.

"So, ah, I'll see you later?" I timidly asked.

I wanted confirmation.

It was subtle but I saw it – the briefest look of surprise flashed by in her eyes. It made my heart drop for a second.

I can feel it growing – the constricting feeling of fear was burrowing in my chest again; I'm scared that things won't end up my way, just like how it did before, and I was so sure that we had settled things between us; so sure that everything was fine now.

"Did we plan something?" She asked in genuine confusion relieving the slightest of tension in my chest.

Paranoia had never been my friend – I should have faith – our feelings are… mutual? So there's nothing to worry about… Right?

"Ah, no I mean- um… Are you busy tomorrow?"

"Just a few classes during the day but-"

"Then let's do something tomorrow night. You're free then right?"

"Yes, I a-"

"Great. Tomorrow night then." I ran off leaving her with the priceless confused look, one she rarely ever holds, as my heart pounded in my chest.

'Yes, there's nothing to worry about, I'll do things right this time.'

* * *

"Ramen? I understand the 'black-hole' having it for breakfast but you?"

I entered the kitchen/living space to see Mai placing down two large bowls of steaming hot ramen down on to the table where a hungry raven haired girl eagerly awaited.

"They're both for Mikoto, and don't call her that, that's just mean!"

"But that's what she is, especially when it comes to your food."

"MMm!" The said 'block-hole' happily agreed.

My red-headed friend rolled her eyes in annoyance and at the same time seeming somewhat flattered by the comment. And then her expression turned serious and solemn.

"So… How did it go?" She asked softly while stealing swift glances towards me.

I smiled broadly and answered: "It went well."

I half expected a jovial response in return but instead Mai gave me a sad and pitying smile.

"So she'll stay as your friend?" Her soft words conveyed the reason for her sad smile – despite not knowing Shizuru that well she pitied the idea that she had to stay against her wishes.

I felt silly for not remembering – Mai didn't know what I was thinking about when I left last night; she didn't know about my dreams and the revelation I got from them

I felt stupid and embarrassed for what I have to explain and my cheeks grew warm and my ability to look at Mai in the face was lost.

"No, I mean…" I started to say awkwardly - wondering how I should put our current situation into words.

But for some reason her expression changed from sad and pitying, to shocked and disappointed.

"Natsuki, you… You shouldn't have, if you don't-"

"No! No, it's not like that! I do! I do… I like her…" I didn't want her to misunderstand – I had finally realised, so it's not what she thinks – yet when I got to those last three words my voice lowered to a whisper.

"Yes, but only as a friend."

Her statement sounded final - she seemed so sure of herself; of me - that it made me question my own weak words.

But Shizuru isn't just a friend; I know that… don't I? I know I can't just lie and pretend to return Shizuru's feelings when I don't. So these are my feelings; these emotions, that tell me that she means more to me than a friend – they're real.

"No. You said so, yourself, didn't you? If I only cared for her as a friend then I wouldn't be so upset, if it had been you I wouldn't be like this. That's because I-"

"But you said you couldn't see her that way, you said you only saw her as a friend. Are you telling me that changed in only three days?"

It was a strong blow to my confidence – using my own words against me.

"I-I wasn't being honest before…"

I know I was losing in this argument.

"And are you being honest now? Can you be certain that you're not just deluding yourself now?"

"No, it's not like that, I-I like her."

Her tone changed to one she would use with a child – pitying at my confusion: "Natsuki…"

But I wasn't going to give up, Mai was wrong.

"We're going out tomorrow." I tried to keep my voice steady and as strong as I could muster it – despite being a bit shaky – I stared into her violet eyes. "I-I'm not scared to see her or dreading it – no, I'm nervous and anxious, but most importantly I'm excited. Doesn't… doesn't that mean I like her the same way she does to me?"

It was meant to be a rhetorical question but it came out as no more than a desperate plea for agreement; confirmation for my own wavering mind.

I had been so happy and sure of myself half an hour ago - why? Why did she have to question my beliefs?

I searched her eyes hoping to see her understanding and agreement but instead she returned my gaze with uncertainty.

"I-I can't answer that, I wouldn't know… But… but I don't want either of you doing this if it means the two of you getting hurt, beyond repair, in the future, Natsuki. I just- I just want you to be sure."

"How can I be sure?"

"I don't know…"

We fell into silence – I didn't know what else to say – I feel like I should be angry; angry that she would shake me to my core and now retreat with no definite answer, yet all I can feel now is worry.

My eyes wondered from hers and realised that Mikoto was still behind her – having stopped eating to watch us silently in the background.

Mai noticed my line of sight and she too realised the presence we had seemingly forgotten – it's as though we were two parents caught fighting by their child.

"Sorry Mikoto." I started, feeling guilty for the scene she had to sit through; no doubt in confusion and discomfort.

"Natsuki, you shouldn't think so much. Natsuki should do what Natsuki feels like: that's the best way you work!" Her bright and innocent smile dispersed the tense air in a blink of an eye, bringing genuine smiles from both Mai and I.

Mai rustled her raven hair as she let out a chuckle. Then her genuine smile melted back to her serious and grim look.

"Sorry, Natsuki, I was out of line, I-"

"No." I waved her off. "You were just worried, and it's not like you don't have your point but I know I like her, it's just a bit… complicated... I know it's baseless but my gut says so and it's saved my skin a few times" I gave her a weak smile, hoping it was enough to convince her for now.

She gave me a weary look, before nodding and turning away to clear the dishes.

"You better get ready quick or you'll be late for class."

* * *

I crashed onto my bed staring back up at the ceiling I had previously grown to hate, looking at it now I wondered why I grew to dislike it.

My two dorm mates had already left for school – having used the excuse of feeling a cold coming down from my last night's misadventures, I stayed behind – I'm sure Mai, in fact with the last few instances she had displayed: Mikoto as well, have figured out my real reason for skipping class.

I needed some time alone to sort out my head; my feelings.

'Shizuru…'

Mai's words came back to me, causing my brow to furrow and my lips to frown.

'No! I like Shizuru, I do. Mai doesn't know what she talking about, she doesn't know.'

Even in my head I could hear my own desperation and fear, and it only served to make me even more worried and convinced at Mai's insight.

'Am I just deluding myself?'

I tossed in my bed distressing over that one question; the one question that is causing me such anguish; the question that I don't know how to find the answer to.

'How can I be sure? …I can't just say my feelings are the same as Shizuru's if I can't even answer that. I shouldn't just accept things as facts if I can't prove them; if I don't have a basis for it… I can't just believe things without giving them the proper time and thought to it…'

It felt like a heavy weight lifted from my head, and a knot had loosens in my chest.

'I had been deluding myself. Before I had been convincing myself that I couldn't possibly see her as anything more than a friend - I refused to even imagine it - all because I was afraid of change. So how do I really feel? Can I imagine us as lovers?'

I tossed to my side, curling in my posture as I grasped my pillow in my arms – my head remained resting at the top of the cushiony item as the rest of it had its life squeezed out by my arms, and I let my mind wander.

Last night and this morning feels like a surreal blur – it was almost like I was watching it happen in another person's point of view but I remember clearly everything that had happened: She had been in my arms this morning, breathing steadily against my chest, the scent of her hair wafting in my senses, her warmth, her presence… I was so comfortable then…

My cheeks grew red at my memory; instinctive action caused me to bury my face deep into my pillow as my arms gripped tighter - a triumphant smile adorned on my face.

'Yes. Shizuru is definitely not just a friend.'

I loosen my grip and lifted my head out of my pillow, at my momentary victory I let my eyes wander mindlessly around the room until I eventually spied the two curled form on my dresser – I took a moment to realise they were the photos that had survive the drenching the other day.

I got up and approached them, picking them up, I confirmed they were indeed okay: neither the paper was damaged nor the picture ruined.

Her face was priceless; a rare expression on her flawless features. I felt a warm sensation in my chest and an idiotic smile pull at my lips.

'Yes, I like her; I definitely do.'

I feel stupid for doubting something I had been so sure of; stupid for questioning it and for not realising my thoughts of her until now.

'Why do I keep running away despite making progress in the first place?'

I've done it before – getting what I wanted only to shy away in the last minute, that serving only to fuel Shizuru's doubts and confusion.

'I lied to myself about the feelings – about liking her – to the point that not only myself but those around me took it as the truth and now I'll have to prove myself to them. This time I won't let go of this feeling; this revelation; the fragile understanding I had allowed to be lost to me. No, I will build on it; I will change it from being fragile to something that we both find security in.'

Leaving behind my own musing I was taken aback when I realised I had been unconsciously stroking her face all the while. But I didn't stop my thumb's absent-minded motion, examining her features once again a heavy feeling of dread cast a shadow over me.

'She was the one most convinced.'

'_Right now there are only two paths in front of us: one is to end things as they are now, the other… well… you've already made it clear it's not possible.'_

Her words were so hurtful then, not only to me but to herself as well, stating the painful truth – at least what we believed to be the truth.

'So… will she believe me now? Now that I say that the impossible is possible? Will she whole-heartedly trust in my words now?'

My heart began to race and clench, just like it did when I walked away this morning.

I had considered this before; somewhere in the back of my mind feared she didn't believe me; I contemplated the possibility that she's pretending and plans to leave my side again when my guard is dropped.

But then, I remembered the squeeze of reassurance she gave me and the genuine smile she had when we were joking. It lessened my uneasiness.

'There is no way that she isn't questioning me just like Mai, but she's willing to give me the chance to prove myself, after all, we're going out now: I'll have plenty of chances to prove myself, and I'll definitely make sure I do things right.'

With renewed determination, I fell back onto my messed up bed, staring at the off-white ceiling with a smile, while I went over the memories of our conversation and events this morning once more.

'…Shit'

* * *

It felt like a dream.

Arriving in the middle of the night; acting unlike her self; giving me all that I wished for…

'It feels too good to be true… Maybe it is too good to be true…'

I stared into my hand that she had gingerly held in hers, whilst a tingling feeling tickled across my whole body as I recalled the moment I awoke this morning.

'Was it real? Did it really happen? Or have my emotions finally dragged me back to my insanity? Does… does Natsuki return my feelings?'

My heart felt like it was fluttering, light and renewed, but I know better than to think that the scars has vanished; I know I am just ignoring that cynical voice in the back of my mind – the one that tells me not to believe in this happy ending as wholeheartedly as I have been.

Because things had never gone my way when it came to her, and from past experiences I can never truly believe that they ever will… and that is the same now.

Despite my efforts to stay in this euphoria state of mind; to pretend everything is how I want it to be, I can't ignore that voice anymore – my rationality.

I closed my eyes and squeezed the bridge of my nose with my finger tips, recounting the events of this morning; analysing everything, I became increasingly uneasy.

'Has anything really changed? There was no confession, no declaration – everything was unclear and vague. The conclusion I resulted in… was it the one she was trying to bring us to? Or had my mind twisted everything to what I wished to see and hear? Or maybe perhaps she meant to be vague and ambiguous, to lead me to believe she returned my feelings but never stating it herself, to keep me by her side and nothing more…'

My body tensed at the possibilities I had refused to consider.

'What if it's true?'

A dark cloud casted its overbearing shadow over my mind, as my once unrestrained heart becomes weighed down with my worries.

'_Let's do something tomorrow night'_

A ray of hope shine through my inner world, the recollection of our goodbye and banter renewed hope to my foolish heart again.

"Shizuru-san?" A concerned voice called my name, snapping my attention away from my thoughts. "Are you okay? Class is over, and everyone is leaving now."

"Oh? Yes, I'm fine, I was just lost in thought. Thank you."

I gathered my thing and took my leave; all the while I could feel my kind peer's lingering eyes on me – confused at my rare display of absent-mindedness.

'I really shouldn't be in lectures, if I'm not even going to listen.' I chided myself.

"Shizuru-san, do you have another class now?"

Eager voices called out from behind me – I could feel my energy drain at the thought of putting up with their antics – still, I put on my smile, albeit a little tired, and turned to face them: the swarm of class mates that seem to see me as some idol – I have still yet to figure out why they view me as such.

"No, I have an hour break before my next class."

"Then… would you like to have lunch with us?"

"Thank you for the offer, but…" The heavy thoughts of her came to me again.

'Should I be happy at the hope of there being an 'us' or should I keep my distance and guard at the possibility of losing that very same hope, like the many times before?'

"… I would like some time alone." I continued after a moment's pause.

From their expressions and my own awareness I knew I had shown more of my inner turmoil than I had intended, fortunately the effect was in my favour as they silently nodded with eyes of concern at my request for solitude.

Before turning once again to leave the lecture theatre I felt my phone vibrate inside my bag.

My heart skipped a beat. I hurried to search for the device and upon finding it I had forgotten to mask my emotions.

'Natsuki.' Her name flashed on the screen.

"Shi-Shizuru-san?"

Quickly I waved a hand and flashed an apologetic smile to those concerned eyes before briskly walking out to the corridor, as I answered my phone. I stood a small distance away from the doors and faced the wall in hope to avoid any distractions, while holding my phone with one hand; I block my ear with the other.

I felt hopeful and tense, and at the same time terrified with dread.

"Hello?" My voice was unusually timid.

"Shizuru?" And hers was unusually quiet.

"Natsuki? Did you get home safely?" I asked after correcting my voice to a more normal one.

"Um, yeah, safe and sound… um… you-you're not busy right now are you?"

"No, one of my classes just ended I have a little time before my next class."

A small lie, one to insure I have a viable excuse to end the conversation once it turned to an unfavoured direction…

'Is this how far I'll go to protect myself; to run away at the sight of danger? Perhaps she was right to say I was running away…'

"Th-this won't take long, it's just a quick question, um… the thing is, I was just thinking before, about this morning… how, er, how things went and that um… we established that- no, I don't mean 'established', I mean we- no, that I… and you…? Um…"

"Natsuki…?" I said her name in concern.

Her nervous word and heavy breath travel through the phone. She was nervous and so was I.

Her anxiety was adding to my own, and I'm too scared to think of the reason why she is so on edge – in case it brought me unnecessary hope or disappointment.

I could hear her forcefully take a deep breath.

"We-We're going out now… right?"

With that one timid and fearful question, I felt all my doubts washed away and my pessimistic voice that urges me to protect myself die down and casted to the back of my mind once more.

'She called to ask me that? She's just as uneasy and fretful as I am; it's not a lie or a dream. The panic and distress in her voice is because she was afraid that she wasn't clear; that everything wasn't defined and definite, she was afraid that we weren't together.'

A smile edged onto my face.

'It's real.'

"Shizuru?" Her scared voice called out. I must have been in my thoughts longer than I thought, as my silent pause caused the object of my affection to panic. "I know I didn't really ask and after all I put-"

"Natsuki." I interrupted; bringing silence to the rapidly speaking girl. "About whether or not we're going out… It depends…" I heard her audibly gulp at my dramatic pause – sometimes I think I'm too mean to her. "Will Natsuki go out with me?"

Loud gasps from behind me reminded me of my surroundings and brought to me my awareness that, judging from the amount of sharp intake of air and murmuring, there was several people listening in to my one-sided phone call.

'Oh dear… How could I have made the mistake as to have our conversation here?'

I considered defusing the situation before it was out of control but Natsuki's voice brought me back to our little world.

"Of-Of course! That's if you would go out with me…"

'Of course…' I mulled over the words. 'As though it's a given – as if the anguish that plagued me for so long was meaningless.'

I would have given a humourless chuckle at the irony of it all, but I felt too relieved and glad to be spiteful like that – no, because I am too much of a fool in love to care.

"Ara? Now, it wouldn't make sense if you said yes and I said no, would it?"

"Ah… yeah… So, um, about tomorrow night… are you still free?"

"Yes, I am."

"Is it okay if I come by at seven?"

"Yes. That's good with me."

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow night at seven then." Her jovial and childish cheer was contagious; I couldn't help but reply with a smile.

"I'll see you then. Bye." I pressed the button to end the call.

I took a moment to compose myself, and with new vigour I turned to face the small crowd behind me with a politically polite smile masking my immense inner joy.

* * *

The rapping at my door, brought my attention to Natsuki's arrival, but unlike the last few times, I looked forward to greeting her, and this time with a genuine smile.

"Natsuki is on time again; perhaps it's a habit of yours I should get used to." I greeted playfully, and resuming the cheery atmosphere we had when we last met face to face.

She stood there in the door way with a slightly unsettled smile, adorn in her biker suit, with a backpack slung over one her shoulder.

"Well, it's our first date, so I should at least be here on time" She blushed red at the word, as did I – though a much lighter hue – I didn't expect her to state it so openly.

'She's rather bold tonight.' I thought to myself as the beat of my heart drummed at a faster pace.

"What is the backpack for?" I found myself asking; hoping to change the subject in my embarrassment.

"Oh? I was thinking of going to this restaurant… it's a bit up-class and they have a dress code, so I brought a change of clothes." She answered whilst looking at the said item.

"What do you mean? What upstanding restaurant is this that won't allow sexy leather suits in their establishments?" I asked in mock shock.

Her face that had only just calmed turned red once again at my comment, chewing her lower lip she tried to suppress the embarrassment and retorted:

"You're right. You know what? I'll change into my clothes and you can go in the 'sexy leather suit' okay?"

She walked past me in a huff, as I chuckled at her expense and closing the door behind her.

"Actually, it might be best if we don't go anywhere public…"

"Why?" Turning her head to ask – for some reason her face looked unhappy, almost tearful, and I couldn't figure out why – it didn't look as though she was afraid to be alone with me… no it was something else.

"It's a long story but I was hoping we can drive somewhere and have a picnic."

I walk into the kitchen grabbing the backpack I had ready at the counter and opened the fridge to take out the prepared food.

"Okay… Is there anything I can help with?" She offered her assistance as she followed.

"Its fine I've already made the food, let me just grab everything and we can go."

"Oh…"

"Is something wrong?"

"Ah… no it's just that I feel bad that you had to do everything even though I kind of… planned this…" She replied gingerly while a hand rubbed the back of her neck.

Her shy demeanour contributed to the security and warmth I felt inside.

'She really does care. I'm not imagining all this… It's not a lie, it's her feelings and she's…' The backpack she brought flashed in my mind. 'She's really trying.'

I grinned widely.

"But wasn't I, the one who asked you out?"

"No, I asked if you were free, remember."

"Yes but I asked if Natsuki would go out with me, so I made the dinner to a dinner date, therefore I have to take responsibility for planning it." I gave her a triumphant smile at my forceful win in the argument but for a moment her face dropped, as if something I said hit a chord in her heart.

Then she hung her head and as she pouted her face she grumbled: "Technicalities."

I was concerned at her response, maybe it was the mention of responsibility was why she suddenly felt down. Yet, even though my careless comment had put a damper on her spirits I couldn't help but feel treasured by her concerns.

* * *

"It's amazing how, just the other night there was a terrible storm but now its a clear sky with no rain cloud in sight."

"Yes, I'm rather thankful for that. It's a really nice night out."

"Yeah."

Having laid down the picnic mat, we sat and gazed at the twinkling stars above us.

We were at a hillside park, far away where the city lights did not reach, and close to the coastline where the ramble of the waves crashing against the Cliffside could be heard, but not seen. Sitting on the large picnic mat with the bag full of food sitting between us, and we were lit with only the moonlight.

"This is nice." She announce as she fell onto her back to get into a better position to look at the stars. "I didn't even think of doing something like this for our, um… date."

The pale moonlight didn't provide enough light to show her bashfulness displayed on her features but I knew it was there.

I held a heartfelt grin. Following her action I too laid down to watch the night sky.

"But being taken out to a nice restaurant with a dressed up Natsuki would have been nice too." I mentioned in earnest.

Swift sounds of shuffling told me she had tensed up – my grin was replaced with a mischievous one at my unintended tease.

"… Next time then…" She said quietly.

My heart warmed once again – always, the smallest of her gestures and comments seem to hit me the hardest.

'She just promised me a 'next time'…' I thought to myself fondly.

We laid in comfortable silence, watching the shining heavens as we listened to the soothing sounds of the ocean – I was happy.

"Natsuki? Would you like something to eat?" I asked as I pushed myself back into a sitting position.

"Eh? What? Did you hear it?" She replied frantically, as she hastily followed in my actions.

"Hear what?" I countered, causing her to grip her stomach and reply.

"Oh, um, nothing. Yeah I would like something to eat, thanks."

I chuckled, knowing full well what she thought I heard.

Blindly I searched through the backpack for the items I had prepared before hand. Finding the soft texture with my fingertips I pulled out the square shaped items.

"Sandwiches? I expected something more elaborate." She commented as she took the offered item.

"Mou, Natsuki-ikezu! Why do you keep complaining about everything tonight?" I pouted childishly.

"I-I haven't been complaining! I'm surprised, that's all!"

I gave her a playful huff, as she peeled away the wrapper around the sandwich.

Her demeanour turned quiet and it seem that it had dropped once more – though this time I couldn't figure out why – perhaps she's over-thinking things again.

Once again, despite feeling a bit guilty on being the cause of her fall in spirits I felt happy at her concern and worry.

However I knew her mood will light up once she takes a bite of her sandwich.

And it did not disappoint, in the din of the night barely lit by natural light of the sky, her ecstatic expression could be vaguely made out.

"It's good."

"Of course, I was aiming to please so an unhealthy load of mayonnaise was a given." I explained merrily.

Then it happened yet again, the sudden drop in her demeanour and lost in humour, she rested her food onto her lap and peered at me with those sparking eyes reflected the moonlight.

"You know" She started softly, before dropping her gaze downwards. "Even though you seem genuinely happy today – well at least I think you are… I know… I know, for sure, that inside you still don't fully believe in me, or that you're still angry with me… for everything… I don't deserve to be forgiven so easily but I just want to say I'm sorry"

Her words washed over me.

'So she was over-thinking. Getting worked up and worried all by her self at my happy manner.'

I felt like I was melting inside - I can't get enough of this feeling; being cared for; being worried over; being loved.

"No, Natsuki, it's okay. I'm not angry." I started to reply. "You may think I'm being too forgiving but that not true. I wasn't angry at Natsuki, not really. I was just frustrated and throwing a tantrum and I ended up directing everything at you; venting my anger and blame, even though it was my own feelings of helplessness that caused my pain. I should be the one that's sorry, Natsuki."

My own feelings started to dampen as I spoke; remembering the pain and frustration of being with but without her; the inability to kill those painful emotions; to forget this love.

"Shizuru." She spoke out, leaning forward to grasps my hand in the semi-darkness "Even if that was true I am still responsible for most, or at the very least a good portion of the blame, there was so much that could have been prevented if I had realised sooner." She gave my hand a reassuring squeeze "But we are where we are now, so lets just be happy." Her reassuring smile made it though the night and the assurance from her words was seen and received by me.

I returned the gesture and held her hand back.

"Mm" I made an affirmative noise thinking anymore words was unnecessary, then we let the sounds of the world around us wash over us again.

In time the comfort and tranquillity of our little moment passed leaving as with an odd silence.

"Hm… Natsuki should finish eating before her stomach growls again." I noted, breaking the silence.

"You did hear it!" She accused, and successfully changed the pace of the night.

I chuckled at her antics and returned to eating my own meal with the hand that was not grasped in hers…

* * *

"I had a nice time."

"Mm… same here…"

We stood outside the door to my apartment, our hands clumsily held in each others - the moment we walked away from her bike, side-by-side towards the building, she subtly brushed her fingers against mine then by the time we arrived at my door she held my finger shyly.

"So, er… yeah next time you're free, we should have that dinner thing." She said as she turned and took a better hold of my hand.

"Okay, drive safely." I murmured back, as we let our gaze fall to our intertwined hands, only occasionally glancing up at each other.

She let out a defeated chuckle, and when it died down she took a deep breath, eyes still fixated on our fingers – she looked ready to brave a storm.

The air between us was suddenly tense, my heart beat as my subconscious realised what was about to happen.

Her gaze slowly moved up to meet mine as she leaned closer and closer towards me – staring into my soul with her glistening orbs.

The softness of her lips pressed against my fingertips, mere centimetres away from my own, her eyes widen for a fraction of a second in shock before it was taken over by confusion.

My own eyes that had been staring into hers softened.

"It's okay Natsuki; you don't have to prove yourself. We'll take things one step at a time, alright?"

"Yeah, you're right." She retreated awkwardly, rubbing the back of her neck out of habit, with her cheeks glowing red in the yellowy light of the corridor. "I'll um, I'll text you when I get home."

"Okay."

She gave an odd bow and wave to bid me farewell before turning to leave.

I watch her walk away with loving eyes, before I too turn to enter my apartment.

Slumping against the door I closed behind me, I sat in the darkness of my apartment; the beat of my heart only just beginning to slow down.

I raised my hand as my eyes adjusted back to the absence of light - I looked at the hand that held hers; the same hand that was held by her; and the fingertips that touch those lips… I felt happiness that can not be describe in words.

I let out a blissful sigh as I recounted the small things she did and say that reassured me of her feelings, and of her efforts to show them.

'Sometimes she is just too adorable, and I can't help but fall further in love with her.'

I closed my eyes and clasped my hand gently onto my chest. Her vibrant eyes that stared into mine appeared in my thoughts; her timid hands that grew clammy and nervous as her face approached. I can just imagine the rate of her heartbeat as she gathered up her courage and make the effort to show me her determination.

'But that's not what I want from you, Natsuki that can wait. No, you have already given me what I wanted the most but if you continue to give it away to me so freely, you will regret it, because I will never have enough, I would want more; more of your love; more than you can give me.'

* * *

**A/N: **The last sentence may seem a bit ominous, but it's not supposed to be, so try and see it as more of a playful challenge than anything angsty lol

Also I considered writing the "date" in Natsuki's PoV since it would have been more angsty hence the change from the last two chapters wouldn't be as abrupt but then I thought I should focus on Shizuru's feelings and give an insight on why she's so readily accepting (though I did that quite poorly...)

Anyway the next update will probably be an even longer wait cause I have no idea what to write!


	9. Because I Love You

**A/N:** I would like to nickname this update: 'Frankenstein' due to the massive amount of rewriting and reconstruction this chapter had undergone. I cut and pasted sections of this chapter and rewrote parts from one PoV to another, so there's a chance that things don't connect or flow very well. You've been warned!**  


* * *

Because I Love You**

"You could have mentioned something last night" Her grumbling rumbled - her suppressed annoyance leaking through the phone.

"I'm sorry, Natsuki. I meant to tell you when we got to the park but then we started talking and it slipped my mind."

She let out a heavy sigh, and I felt guilty for my carelessness.

"Well, I guess it's not your fault, it's not like you sent your mob of crying, emotional fan-girls to 'greet' me first thing in the morning…" She said exasperatedly with a sigh "…did you?" And she ended in a accusing note.

"Of course not." I defended with a chuckle. "Though I am surprised that they took so long to get to you… But I'm glad you're not hurt."

"Physically I'm not, but mentally…" Pausing for a dramatic effect. "The moment I got past the school gate a swarm of crying, distressed girls surrounded me; pawing, grabbing and pleading to me to say 'it's not true'. I think I would have preferred your crazy jealous fiends asking for a fight than that! I've never been so disorientated."

I giggled at her recollection and her uncharacteristic mood.

"That doesn't sound so bad-"

"Doesn't sound so bad?" She interrupted in a humorous manner.

"-I experience that everyday." I eventually finished earning a moment of silence on the other end of the line.

"…" She was lost for words. "I have renewed admiration for you" She finally managed to say causing me to let out a heartfelt laugh.

'It's nice to talk to her like this again.'

"I wonder how they found out though… We haven't even done anything yet…"

Such an innocent sentence caused such devastating effects – and not just on me either.

Our cheerful atmosphere quickly died away, leaving us in an awkward silence.

'She's doing this on purpose, isn't she?' I mentally accused as my heart beat at a slightly quicker pace.

"I-I mean how did they know in such short notice!" She frantically continued – attempting to cover up the odd moment that past "Maybe they have your phone tapped, or cameras hidden when they came over to study or what ever group work you had to do! See! I told you they couldn't be trusted!" Her desperate attempt to cast the attention to another topic started to border onto the absurd, it was then I thought it was best to put her mind at ease.

"Actually, Natsuki, I know exactly how they found out…"

"How?" She asked calmly, whilst panting slightly in the background for her excursion.

"Remember the day before yesterday? You called and I said I just finished class?"

"You mean when I…" A drawn out groan signified her understanding of the situation.

"Seems like some of my classmates overheard my side of the conversation, I avoided answering anything at the time; neither denying nor confirming their concerns; but… I think they have already come to their own conclusions."

"Then, um, what do you want to do?" She questioned cautiously.

"Hmm… Well, what are your thoughts?" I, too, countered her question warily.

"I-I don't mind, whatever you think is the best action against your fans is good – though I would like to survive until the end of the week. Thanks." She attempted to chuckle along with her joke to hide her nervousness.

"It's true we shouldn't take them too lightly." I laughed quietly along with her in hopes to relieve her nerves. "It would be best, until the situation calms down, to avoid answering anyone should they ask."

"Oh, okay… So deny when questioned?"

"Not exactly, just avoid the question if possible and if you must answer, answer as vaguely as possible."

"So go Shizuru's style, is it?" She teased.

"Mou! Natsuki is so mean to her girlfriend even though she's thinking in her best interest." I complained childishly. Using that title partly to tease her back and partly because I wanted to…

"Heh, why? What's wrong with Shizuru's style? I happen to like it." She responded sweetly.

The tables had turned; she had completely sidestepped my tease and countered with her own – a compliment.

I felt grateful that we were speaking on the phone and not in person; because I don't think I can handle her seeing this blush.

* * *

"Okay… I guess that dinner should be postponed until this blows over… When do you think it's safe to have another… erm… date?" I asked quietly with a lump in my throat.

I didn't like it; the idea we pretend we're just friends – it's too alike to the situation we were in before, even if this time we are doing this to convince others instead of ourselves – I'm scared I will find her acting too… real; too much like we were just friends and all the progress we made were all an illusion…

Our picnic last night had eased some of my worries and set many things straight between us, but it still feels like there's so much more we have to figure out.

Especially that: kiss… Or should I say lack of. After everything we went through… Was it too soon? Am I going too fast for her? She said we didn't have to rush… was it inappropriate to kiss on the first date?

I moved the microphone of my phone away as I let out a deep and heavy sigh. My inexperience in love was beginning to irritate me in a whole difference level than before.

My eyes darted left and right, my back resting on the sturdy wall that acted as the side of the school building - there was no way anyone could over-hear or approach me without me knowing – my mind would be at ease if only I could get that piece of mind from her side.

"By the way, are you sure no one is eave dropping on you right now?" I questioned in all seriousness.

I was answered with her light giggles that travelled through the ear piece.

"No, Natsuki, no one is listening in on my side. And if you're so eager to see me again, we could always have group outings, it would be less suspicious and quite frankly it would lessen accusations that we're deliberately avoiding each other because of the rumours."

"I-I never said I was eager!"

"You're not? Doesn't Natsuki want to see me?" She sounded hurt, in fact, a bit childish – it was then I realised I fell into her trap.

I cheeks grew red at my realisation but I was happy inside; happy we could joke and banter so lightly and playfully – yet that foreboding and fear, that refuse to rest, kept wavering in the back of my mind. Then, however, the thought of her shy smile; her timid hands and fingers that gave warmth to mine, put that incessant feeling at ease.

"I want to see you." I answered unknowingly and exasperated.

"Ara" Was all she replied with - soft and bashful, her word drifted gently in the air.

She was caught off guard by my admittance and was left lost for words – something I had caused a few times already.

A wide smile pulled at the corners of my lips – I felt triumphant and proud.

"So when would be a good time for you? I'm thinking we could go to karaoke; Mai would like that, Mikoto too. Is there anyone else you would like to invite?" My tone of voice was uncharacteristically gentle, in fact I felt oddly relaxed ever since we decided we would meet and do something – even if it was going to be surrounded with our friends.

'I really want to see her.'

* * *

Ending our conversation and making our good byes I snapped my phone shut and stalked back to the emerging crowd of students exiting and chatting away with their lunches grasped tightly in hand.

Amidst the crowd I spied my fiery red-headed friend along with a brunette and raven-haired tag-along walking close beside her.

A feeling of dread picked at my previously light-hearted mood.

"Natsuki-kun." Chie shouted as she pointed me out as I was approaching them, her hand then went to waving dramatically in the air.

I lightly jogged to the three of them, a scowl instantly presented on my face.

"Are you trying to tell the whole school, idiot?" I whispered harshly.

"Oh. Sorry. Sorry. But it shouldn't be a problem, Yukino-chan issued a school wide warning about this morning, so you shouldn't get swarmed again."

"What? When did this happen?"

"Just now." I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand at the tone, slowly and cautiously I turned to Mai who had just spoken. "When you left me, all alone, In the classroom to fend for myself against those girls!"

Her violet eyes badly concealed her irritation towards me.

"Now, now Mai. You weren't 'all alone', Aoi and I was there!"

"You two were more oil to the fire! If you didn't mention that I was Natsuki's dorm mate there wouldn't have been an up roar in the first place."

"Well, they came so suddenly, I didn't think anyone that didn't already know was around to overhear…"

"Argh, forget it. I'm just glad the Disciplinary committee came when they did…"

I stood there piecing their stories together; trying to figure out what had happened after I stormed out of the classroom the moment the bell had rung – I wanted to ask, but the dark ominous cloud looming over Mai told me that would be a very bad idea.

"Mai!" A juvenile voice called out, and in the next moment, Mai's hands which held an overly large bento box, were lifted up on reflex and a blur of black shot to her side.

The force of the collision would have pushed the red head back but over the course of the past year the cook had learned, on instinct, to brace herself the moment that familiar voice called her name.

"Mikoto. Are you okay? Did anyone harass you in class?"

"Hm? No, there were a lot of people waiting outside the classroom but Nao said some things to the boys and they helped us get out of the building. Mai! Nao wants to have lunch with us, is it okay if I share my lunch with her?"

"Huh? Um, yeah of course." The confusion on Mai's face, brought about by the unnecessary request of permission soon melted away and was replaced by a look of gratitude as she made eye contact with Nao – who had decided to walk the distance Mikoto sprinted across to get to us.

"Great, another busy-body" I grunted, hoping to keep my stand-offish demeanour up, despite feeling thankful that Nao watched over Mikoto for something I had in avertedly caused.

* * *

We sat at a quiet remote spot in the gardens, beneath the cool shade of a nearby tree, having brought out our respective lunches. I thanked Aoi with a stiff nod for bringing Mai's and mine from our classroom while she was holding Mikoto's oversized lunch box.

Through the course of the meal, I kept my angry deposition so that the two gossip queens wouldn't feel comfortable enough to ask anything about Shizuru and me.

"I don't get it. Why doesn't Mikoto just take her own lunch?"

"She eats it in class." Nao answered Chie's question bluntly while she daintily picked at and put aside a small variety of food from the massive array of cuisine in front of her. Mikoto on the other hand, sat in alert and was fidgeting as she waited for Nao to finish her selection, so she could begin feasting and sating that appetite of hers.

"Yeah, and then she's come to lunch saying she's hungry." Mai finished with a sigh.

"Well she is still a growing girl, right Mikoto-chan?" Aoi gave the cat-like girl's hair an affectionate ruffle before starting with her own meal.

Our lunch continued on without any incidents – Chie and Aoi realising anything said to me would just be ignored or returned with a glare – decided to give up their probing and enjoy lunch as friends. Presently, Chie had decided to tease and wrestle Mikoto from her food – and not surprisingly – losing, while Aoi was busy talking with Nao.

Seeing the coast was clear I leaned closer towards Mai and whispered:

"Hey, Mai?"

"Hm? Yeah, what is it Natsuki?" She replied in a hush whisper.

"Do you want to go to karaoke this Saturday?"

"Heh?" She looked at me in disbelief – the volume of her voice rising higher than I would have liked. "Ka-karaoke?" She finally questioned.

"Yeah… Well, anything really, I was thinking of doing a group thing –small – like with only you, me, Mikoto and… um… Shizuru…"

I felt my heart race as I spoke – it wasn't like it is the first time Mai was meeting Shizuru, and since Mai knows about our circumstances, it shouldn't be as awkward as I feel now – but the fact that Mai knows, it makes me nervous – it will be our first outing as a group where Shizuru and I are in a relationship…

"What's this? What's this about Fujino-san?" An overly eager voice interrupted.

"It's nothing that concerns you, Chie." I quickly snapped back, returning to my cold demeanour with ease.

"Ouch! Natsuki-kun, I thought we were friends." The wannabe reporter playfully replied as she dramatically held her chest in hand.

I glared at her menacingly, hoping that it would be enough to diffuse the situation and warn Chie to back off.

"I think I heard something about karaoke." Aoi interjected.

I let out a sigh of defeat.

* * *

"Ara? I thought we were going to karaoke with Mai-san and Mikoto-san." I spoke to her from my bedroom – getting ready whilst she waited in the living room.

"Yeah, a change of plans, somehow our plans leaked and all the karaoke places got booked out. And I thought I ought to pick you up earlier in case the time was leaked out too."

"My, Natsuki make it sounds like I'm some important VIP that needs round the clock security."

"Well in their eyes, I'm sure you're more important to them than god." She responded sincerely.

I giggled as I exited my room, and she stood from the couch with a brilliant smile.

"And to me, you're definitely someone important enough for me to protect." Her smile never faltered and her eyes melted to something more – something that burned inside of me.

I felt my cheeks grow warm at her words and at her gaze.

'Had she been practicing that line?' I wondered.

Fear and doubt had been gnawing at me ever since her confession. Are her feelings and actions true? Or are they desperate bids to keep me by her side? These questions had plagued me day and night when my mind wonders and think too deeply.

I want to believe they are true, I want to believe they are real. Every time she banishes that smile, that gaze, those words she says to me that melt me away inside – I want to believe, it makes me believe… yet in the darkest corner of my heart I still question – I still worry.

"Oh, by the way, here."

Her delicate hands passes to me a photo she had pulled out from her pocket, a silly smile displayed across her face.

Taking the item I soon mirrored that smile.

"My, Natsuki has such an adorable expression." I glanced up to observe her reaction.

"Not as nice as yours though." Her smile widened.

Having only noted Natsuki's features my eyes soon roamed to see my own – it was an expression I rarely show and internally I frowned.

'To have my true emotions so exposed…'

Again my eyes darted back to her frightened features.

'… She is the only one that can cause that.'

"Still, I'm surprised you didn't try to edit yourself out of this photo." I murmured, resisting the temptation of stroking her features on the photograph.

I looked back up into her eyes with a softened smile; she leaned forward and peered down at the photo in my hand.

"Well, I was tempted to cut my side out" Using her fingers she imitated a pair of scissors and pretended cut the photo in the middle, separating the two of us.

"But… I couldn't bear to do it…" She displayed a weak smile as she pulled her slender fingers back. Her smile soon morphed to a glee-filled one. "Plus, it'll be rude to Aoi to split her face in half."

I gave her a weak chuckle, behind her subtle words I couldn't help but feel comforted and loved.

She loves me – this truth that she had told me and displayed – I will cling to it, like my rock in a raging storm, I will cling to it and believe until she says otherwise.

'… Yet, still, that voice questions. Even if she loves me, is she pushing herself to do and say those things she is not ready for? Had my actions before cause Natsuki to feel compelled to rush herself for my sake? Did she really mean to kiss me, or was it because she felt obligated after all the time I had waited?'

I returned to my room to tuck my new found precious memory safely away in my desk drawer. Sliding it close my hand lingered on the faux wood, tempted to have another look at the endearing picture. Tender warmth welled inside on me.

'It doesn't matter, I'll show her that she doesn't have to rush; we can take as long as she needs, as long as we feel the same way to each other.'

"Are you all ready? We're going to have a drive around Fuuka and shake off anyone that tries to track us before heading to our destination." She called from the living room.

"I really think Natsuki is making too big of a deal out of this." I replied, once again exiting my bedroom and followed her to the front door.

"I rather be safe than sorry. You might get off with some crying girls but I might end up with the crazed knife wielding ones." She ended with a smirk as she held the door open for me.

"Well, I can't have that now. Those girls would be in such a disadvantage against my Natsuki."

* * *

I walked down the corridor, with my usual grace and poise, towards a group of five that waited patiently outside a familiar door – four pairs of eyes held back much mirth, as Natsuki and I approached.

"Fu-Fujino-san! I could barely recognise you! How have you been? Did you enjoy the festival last week?" Harada Chie started, failing at first to keep her laughter at bay – her ever devious smile widen even more as her eyes glanced up pass my eyes unconsciously.

"Yes, I did. Harada-san and Senoh-san were indeed frightening that day." I smiled politely back at her, showing no indication of feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed.

"Hold off the chatting until after we're inside." Natsuki hoarsely whispered to us while her fingers fiddled with a key to open the door.

"Ok, ok. Where are we anyways?" Harada-san replied, blatantly contradicting herself.

I knew exactly where we were – the familiar corridor and nostalgic building; it was a place I had always looked forward to visiting; a place that held many memories, perhaps special to only me – but the last time I was here it was not a pleasant memory at all.

And from the corner of my eye, I could see that Yuuki-san would agree – she fidgeted at her spot, looking uncomfortable and out-of-place, dreading the memories the interior was to hold.

A soft click and a push Natsuki managed to open the door.

"My apartment." She murmured.

Inside – It wasn't how it used to be, renovations had changed a few things here and there – missing wall and new ones; a change in the breakfast bar and the design of the kitchen; it was well furnished but held no personal items to indicate that some one actually lived here or considered it their home.

"If you have an apartment, why do you live at the dorm?" Senoh-san asked curiously as she stepped into the dim apartment.

"The dorm has its perks."

"Like a live-in cook and all around caregiver?" Harada-san asked with a smirk.

"They are a factor." Natsuki replied dryly while she took off her hat and letting her long midnight blue hair cascade down over her large brown overcoat. She hastily ripped off her fake greying moustache only to regret it a moment later.

"Shh! Son-of-a-"

"Don't you think the disguises are a bit much Kuga?" Yuuki-san commented with a smirk on her face. From what I could tell that smile was partly for disguising her discomfort in this very room and partly due to genuine amusement at our said disguises.

"Well if you saw the car chase we had, you would think this wasn't enough." Natsuki replied, taking off her oversized men's coat and then taking the one I had just taken off.

Removing the grey wig and glasses Natsuki had provided for me, I shook my hair free from it's now unrestrained bun – earning awe-filled looks from Harada and Senoh-san.

She put away the simple disguises in a large plastic bag by the door, before Mai-san asked:

"So how did you get here anyways? I doubt two elderly riding a motor cycle wouldn't have caused heads to turn."

"I parked it at a lot, and then we got changed and took a cab. I'll go get it tomorrow. How was everyone else? Were any of you followed?"

Harada-san was the first to answer: "It was fine on our end, we weren't the main target and Nao seemed to know what route was best."

After listening to Harada-san, Natsuki's eyes moved from the bespectacled girl to the young red-head, catching each others gaze they gave each other a silent nod of confirmation.

'I wonder when their relationship had gotten so good.'

"I'm quite certain nobody followed us." Mai-san spoke up as she gently picked out small twigs and leaves from her hair.

And once again, Natsuki giving a quick once over Mai-san and the proud looking Mikoto-san, gave a nod of approval.

"Everyone grab a seat and I'll get dinner warmed up."

"You cooked?" Senoh-san asked sceptically.

"No, Mai made some food and I brought it over earlier today. I was just going to warm it up."

"I'll help." Mai-san and I said together.

Soon enough, we had set up the dining table with the necessary plates, utensils and food, with everyone gathered around to sit. The delicious aroma even from reheated food was intoxicating.

"The disguises really were something though, Natsuki-san. When the two of you came down the corridor, for a while I really couldn't recognise either of you!" Senoh-san squealed, starting up a conversation as we all settled down.

Natsuki and I sat beside one another, with Mikoto-san on the other side of Natsuki; Mai-san sat at the head of the table adjacent to Mikoto-san. While Yuuki- san, Senoh-san and Harada-san sat on the opposite side of the table.

"I can't believe Fujino-san actually wore it! There must have been some threats involved or blackmail, or maybe Natsuki-kun used her feminine charms to persuade you." Harada-san joined in excitedly.

"Chie…" Natsuki started to growl.

"Ara, there was no need for such things. I was more than willing to dress up, it was amusing – I never worn a costume like that before, it was actually quite thrilling to see no one recognising us." I answered with a smile.

"Oh… I see, so Fujino-san enjoys role playing huh?" The glint in her eye and her cheeky smile told me there was more to the suggestive joke than meets the eye.

'Harada-san is definitely a stimulating opponent to speak to – I wonder how long we can dance around this topic before one of us has enough?'

Another growl grumbled from Natsuki's throat this time louder and more threatening.

'But perhaps, now wasn't the best of times to test our conversational abilities…'

"I do hope, Harada-san isn't insinuating something about my private life." I kept my voice pleasant, but perhaps a little cold to warn the bespectacled girl not to test her boundaries with Natsuki.

She must have taken the comment as a friendly banter as her smile widens to let out a chuckle.

"Of course not, but seriously if I hadn't been so shocked I would have taken a photo to keep as a memory… Or at least prove to myself tomorrow that it wasn't all a dream!"

"As if I would have let you." Natsuki huffed beside me.

"But why, Natsuki-kun? The two of you looked so cute, as an old married couple, you really suited for one another!"

I bit back at widening my smile, from the comment and the image it brought. The thought of growing old together may be a bit too soon for the two of us, but I wonder what her reaction is.

I began a chuckle as I turned to peer at Natsuki, her cheeks held a tint of pink and her mask of annoyance faltered.

A loud grumble.

All other occupants in the room may have turned their attentions to the humorous call from Mikoto-san's stomach but my eyes were still on Natsuki's as hers attempted to steal a glance at me – only to find I was still watching her.

"I think we better start dinner before we all starve to death, and Tokiha's food isn't something that should go to waste by just sitting there." Yuuki-san said.

"Mai's food will never go to waste." Mikoto-san replied defensively, springing instantly from her lifeless form.

"I think Nao just complimented Mai's cooking." Senoh-san loudly whispered to Harada-san beside her.

"She must have gotten addicted to it after that lunch. Does that mean we're going to have another black hole amongst the middle-schoolers?" Harada-san replied, jokingly peering over towards the young red-head for her reaction, only to receive none.

Everyone began to motion toward the food, and I too was about to begin our feast, when I felt a gentle touch brush across my hands. I looked down beside me to see Natsuki looking suspiciously awkward – looking left and right with her hands firmly clenched beneath the table.

"Natsuki?"

'Did she just try to hold my hand?' I wondered

"Mikoto! Leave some for the rest of us." She briskly ordered, her hand grabbing a hold of the famished girl's hands, blatantly ignoring my whispered call and her attempted actions.

I smiled at her awkwardness as I kept my eyes on the party of people in front of me.

Perhaps it was good thing that rumours are spreading, this way there are reasons for our relationship to progress slowly and for Natsuki to move in her own pace…

* * *

We haven't said it yet – in fact she said she weren't going to but it not like we needed to anyways with Shizuru's manipulative and subtle ways we've avoided having to say it; to say we are 'just friends'.

I had been dreading the moment when they – and I mean those two evil vultures – were going to back the two of us into a corner and force us to replied with a definite yes or no to the status of our relationship - but she took care of that – sometimes twisting Chie's word to sound a bit offensive or simply a joke to get them to back off temporarily.

The room boomed with laughter while my ears turned red in embarrassment- the only redeeming factor at that moment is the sound of her enchanting laughter mixed in with the rest… and the fact that Nao was embarrassed with me.

"Ara, not even a single glass and the two of you were drunk? I don't condone underage drinking, but I expected Natsuki to put up with a bit more than that." Shizuru giggled.

"Shut up. It was some strong stuff!" I defended, earning an agreeing nod from Nao.

"Then why didn't Mai and I get drunk?" Chie countered cockily.

"You did in the end." Nao snipped back.

"Did we? To tell you the truth I don't remember that night very well…" Mai joined in inquisitively.

"Neither, I think only Mikoto-chan stayed sober that night. Do you remember exactly what happened?" Chie asked Mikoto innocently.

While Mikoto on the other hand stared wide-eyed at the amateur reporter, looking very much traumatised.

"E-Everyone got sleepy. A-And fell asleep. Yup! Just fell asleep!" She squeak unconvincingly, but given her shaken form and our refusal to be embarrassed any further we all accepted her reply and left it at that.

We were still sitting at the dining table. The food was all but spent, the massive feast before dwindled to scraps every here and there and even those were slowly disappearing by the efforts of the sole remaining eater at the table.

Mikoto continued at her meal; scraping off and licking every last spot of anything that resembled food, only to be chided by Mai for her lack of etiquette, while the rest of us sat back at our chairs hoping the lack of movement will allow our full stomachs to digest a little.

"I wonder… Why is it that Mai-san isn't the chef at her diner?" Shizuru's voice chimed in the air.

I think I'm starting to get overly conscious of her every word and action. Had her voice always sound this pleasant? Was I always this alert at her every word? And our eyes… do they usually meet as much as they had this night?

I hope I'm just overly conscious. I don't want to blow our cover – for all I know, letting the fact we're going out may be more of a problem to Shizuru than we've let on. It's no joke that there will be uproar from her fans and the general shock from the student body but what about her family and all those other circumstance we'll encounter from just the fact we are of the same gender.

'I don't have any family anymore nor do I care about how people think of me – but what about her? What will her family think? Had she even consider the consequences? '

I felt a cynical smile creep onto my face at the thought.

'Who am I kidding, this is Shizuru' I mentally chided myself. 'Of course she has – she must have thought about this… I just wonder what it is… After this after this rumour thing is settled, will we continue to hide our relationship and support each other in the shadows? Or will we brave the storm together?'

My cheeks started to grow red and my expression changed to hold a stupid smile, when I started to realise what it was I was thinking of.

'It hasn't even been a week since we're going out and I'm already thinking about our future… How could I not have notice my feelings for so long?'

"Natsuki?" She gently whispered in my ear, leaning close with her hand finding a resting place on my lap. "Are you okay?"

The ear she whispered into began to burn as I quickly tried to gather my wits. The warm pressure on my thigh reminded me how much I had wanted to hold her hand just an hour ago.

"Yeah, because you look like you have gas, Kuga." The young red hair commented from across the table.

It was then I realised everyone at the table was watching me. My face flared at my realisation.

"What the hell, Nao!"

"Well, maybe it's not gas but you've been silently making weird faces to yourself for some time."

"N-No, I haven't." I denied – internally I chided myself for my carelessness.

"I'm sure Natsuki was only thinking about Mayo for dessert." Shizuru stepped in, to my rescue.

"Ewww." Aoi scrunching her face to emphasise her distaste.

"You're not serious right?" Chie piped in with playful disbelief.

"What? It's good. I wouldn't mind a spoonful right now if I had some." I answered as I went along with the change of topic Shizuru so generously provided me.

"I thought you were full." Mai added while her hands were busy collected the polished off plates away from the still consuming black-haired girl between the two of us.

"You know I have a separate stomach when it comes to mayo."

"Yes, a stomach that should be surgically removed."

"I must agree with Mai-san, it's not good to have such an unhealthy addiction."

I couldn't help suppress a laugh.

"You're not one to talk Shizuru; you're not one without vices either." I nodded to her beverage at hand.

"Ara? Be that as it may, Natsuki, my addiction is widely accepted and to add it's healthy for me, unlike yours."

"So you admit you have an addiction?"

"It's not something I can deny." She gracefully admitted, leaving me no room to continue the argument, gaping at her with nothing in mind.

"Shizuru seems like the one that always have the upper hand huh? I bet she's the one that wears the pants in the relationship." Chie interrupted, I was about to refute it when Nao added her two cents.

"I think anyone would have the upper hand over Kuga in anything verbal."

'That was close' I thought to myself. 'I would have fallen into one of Chie's traps, if it wasn't for Nao… Could-could Nao be on my side…? Does she know? I wouldn't be surprised if she does…'

"Yeah, I don't think I'm up to par to your poisonous tongue." I replied coolly, slowly assessing her and trying to confirm my suspicions.

"I'm quite sure I'm not the one with the most poisonous tongue in this room."

"Doesn't mean yours, isn't lethal."

She opened her mouth to say a retort when Mai interrupted.

"That reminds me, I found my karaoke set underneath your bed. I figured you accidently kicked it there in your rush today so I brought it over."

"Oh… Ha, whoops, I completely forgot about that…" I internally scolded myself for not finding a better hiding place and in the corner of my eye I could see Nao had the same thought.

"I'll go and get it set up." She stood up eagerly and walked off to the living room direction where everyone's bags and the T.V were, with Mikoto in close pursuit. The rest started to push back at their chairs to get up as well.

"J-Just leave the dishes and I'll take care of them, you guys can go and start off without me." I hastily said, thanking my good fortune to have an excuse to avoid the activity and my hands grabbing nearby empty plates to emphasis my intentions.

"I'll give you a hand Natsuki." Shizuru said softly, gliding beside me to take up several other plates I had yet to get my hands on.

"I can give you two a hand as well." Chie offered with a glint in her eyes.

"Oh, me too!" Aoi joined in – a little too happily.

"No. I'm not going to be stuck singing with those two – two people are more than enough to take care of the dishes, both of you are coming with me." Nao ordered sternly, confirming my suspicions on her alliance for the night.

A brief, grateful smile escaped, as I watched the younger girl drag the two gossip queens away.

"Shall we?" I turned to be greeted with a smile.

"I'll wash and Natsuki can dry."

* * *

"Hey, Shizuru…" My voice drifted as I started to doubt the necessity of my question.

"Hm?" She hummed with her hands still working away beneath the suds and bubbles in the sink.

At the moment she was facing towards the sink – busy with the grease and grime, while I stood lazily beside her – leaning against the bench looking in the opposite direction, drying the plates with the slowly dampening towel in hand and keeping a watchful eye on the party of five in the living room.

They were still busy in front of the T.V, singing their heart out with the portable microphone and laughing merrily.

I felt a lump in my throat and a slightly quickened pace in my chest – is it a good time to ask? Am I thinking too far ahead? … Am I thinking too much?

'It doesn't matter, I've already started, might as well bite the bullet and ask – there's no harm in it…'

"W-Would it be so bad if everyone knew about us?"

* * *

"W-Would it be so bad if everyone knew about us?"

I froze in my actions – I didn't expect her ask about something like this, where was this question leading to? How would my answer affect her?

I leant back a little so we did not have to turn our heads fully to look at each other, we were still facing opposite directions and our eyes locked onto each other's.

She held a timid smile as though it was supposed to reassure me that whatever answer I had was fine with her.

I returned the smile –looking down at her lips I answered honestly.

"I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I would be worried for Natsuki."

"Because of those girls?"

"Mm." I gave an affirmative hum.

'And for other reasons' I continued in my thoughts.

"What about your family? Would they… would they be against it?" She questioned further in a nervous tone.

"I can't say they would wholeheartedly approve, but they wouldn't disown me. I think, in time, they would accept it." I answered, as I returned to my dishwashing duties, feeling a bittersweet feeling grow inside.

"Then, you would want to keep this quiet until you're ready?"

"I'm ready as long as I have Natsuki with me." The word flowed smoothly from my mouth before I really thought of what I was saying.

I felt another uncharacteristic blush rise to my cheeks at my careless honesty.

"Shizuru…" She whispered into my ear – she placed the plate she was drying and the towel she held, down onto the bench and raise her hand to turn my face – moving exceptionally close in mere moments, brushing our lips together for just a second before slowly moving away again.

I blinked, and then made the smallest gasp.

"N-Natsuki!" I squealed in a hushed voice, I felt my cheeks flare up and I quickly flinched away, looking down to hide my undoubtedly red face.

That was unexpected – definitely.

"A-Am I going too fast? Was it rude to kiss on the second date too?" She pulled back in panic.

I couldn't help but giggle at her distress.

'Her worries are completely different from mine. I wonder if it even cross her mind that she may be the one that wasn't ready yet. Or more importantly, why in the world would I care about the first or second date rules.'

"No." I smiled sweetly at her and attempted to counter with a tease. "It just wasn't very romantic."

The momentary fear and panic in her eyes past and the lovingly look returned to those emerald orbs.

"Sorry, but I couldn't help myself, I had been meaning to do that since the old couple comment." The corners of her lips tugged up to a warm but cocky smile "And I think I understand why you always tease me so much… You look stunning with a bit of blush"

I felt even more embarrassed by her comment – it was such a conflicting sensation – to feel so uncomfortable yet so happy at the same time; to have your heart racing and warmth fill within you.

'It's an emotion that I never want to share with anyone but you Natsuki.'

I looked up and stared into those deep emerald eyes watching me lovingly in the tranquil silence…

"Natsuki is so sweet… But perhaps she should have waited for a more appropriate time to display her affection?" I turned to emphasis my point – facing the scene that was previously behind me, to see the astonished expression of two girls, who's eyes sparkled with interest; an indifferent Yuuki-san, the only person looking away from Natsuki and I; and Mai-san, who along with Mikoto-san, wore a large content smile, beaming at Natsuki behind me.

"I knew it!" Harada-san shouted, her hand instantly rising and pointing at the two of us.

"Details!" Senoh-san squealed excitedly as she jumped to her feet.

"What?" Natsuki questioned, as though we had done nothing to warrant their sudden attention and amazement. Her arm subtly found its way around my waist and pulled me close.

My lips pulled to a delighted and genuine smile once I realised she had already considered her actions, and was ready for all the consequences that were to follow.

* * *

It would have been easier to keep it a secret – letting only our closest friends know… friends that won't go around spilling it to all that cared to listen.

But I didn't want to pretend, I didn't want our relationship to be vague and ambiguous; I want everyone to know you meant more to me than just a friend – that you was mine; my girlfriend.

I had asked myself once, why does the idea of losing you hurt so much, and I know now: If you don't care about something, it wouldn't affect you – I should've known that better than anyone.

Worries and insecurities – they are things that appear when you think too much; when you care too much.

I know in the future there will be more to come: where either or both of us will be unsure of things and possibly get hurt as a result but we will overcome them. Because of the same reason that those anxiety appeared, it will disappear; because I love you.

* * *

**A/N:** I know you're eager to go to the next chapter, but take a moment to revie- AH what am I saying, you've already clicked the next button haven't you?


	10. There Is No Answer

**A/N: **Don't hate me for cheating in this chapter! It was originally what I was going to do in Ch9 but then I changed my mind and made it the final chapter instead. Anyway, enjoy!**  
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* * *

There Is No Answer**

The past few weeks had been stressful, even though it had not been my problems it felt worse that I could do nothing but watch from the side lines.

I had been uncertain when her mood slowly fouled with no obvious reason, I took it as the build up of stress as we approached exams, or the fact that I barely knew her in the first place and it was just how she was - but the moment Fujino-san entered the picture her mood suddenly changed and she rushed off without a word – I got worried, but I didn't know what to do.

Her behaviour had been odd when she came back, and I had an inkling of an idea what the problem was, but I felt like it wasn't my place to say anything, then even seeing Fujino-san running out of our dorm room with tears in her eyes I didn't know how I could possibly help.

As the days went by; as I watched her fall further and further into her own little shell, I could only do the little things I could: making her favourite food and suggestions like bringing Fujino-san along to the culture festival with a student council reunion as the guise. Yet it didn't help - she came back worse than when she started; returning drenched and an emotional wreck.

I'm surprised I wasn't more shocked at her display of vulnerability; I would have never imagined she could cry so painfully, but perhaps it was watching her slowly break, little by little, during those past few days that I had already prepared myself to see a broken Natsuki. It was heart-breaking but at the same time I was glad – it was the last straw that finally allowed her to open up her heart and invite me in to help.

Her explanations confirmed my suspicions, however it was at this point that I realised what little I could help with: Fujino-san liked Natsuki, but Natsuki didn't… yet Natsuki wanted to stay friends, however Fujino-san didn't… That was the problem, but the first question that appeared in my mind was: Why is Natsuki so shaken up by this?

Why was Natsuki, the reclusive Ice Princess, caring so much about a friend that she would break down crying just because their friendship was fading? In my honest opinion, I thought it was because that so called 'friend' was more than what the title suggests. However Natsuki denied it, and being one that hadn't been friends with the both of them for very long I decided to accept her choice as fact.

But now… I don't know what to think, she had left last night to go on her first supposed date, and then coming home late, she went straight to bed… there wasn't a good opportunity to bring the subject up this morning… I wonder how it went…

Are they really going out? Is everything as Natsuki describes it to be? Are there really no lies or misunderstandings between them? I find it hard to believe, especially with their problems and with the things that had happened… I can't help but feel sceptical.

Natsuki was so desperate before; so ready to find any means necessary to keep them together that I wouldn't be surprised if it was a last ditch attempt to tie Fujino-san down to her.

Desperation can do many things to people… Yet if she was so desperate, doesn't that mean her feelings towards her is more than just friends? That was my conclusion in the first place… however she said it wasn't… yet now she says it is… I don't know, I can't tell, I'm not her…

I felt like there was a vice tightening on my head, my brain throb in complaint as I tried to figure out the elusive riddle that was my friend's life and mind.

Finally I exhaled a forfeiting sigh.

"Mai. Mai!"

"Eh? What is it Chie? Oh? Is it lunch already?" I was called out of my musing, bringing my attentions to the short haired, glasses-wearing girl sitting in front of me.

"Leave the eating for later. Is it true?" Her eyes glistened with interest.

"What is?" I knew what those eyes meant and the answer that followed.

"That Natsuki-kun and Fujino-san are an item!" She answered in a slightly shrill voice, catching Aoi's attention, who was walking over.

I rolled my eyes at her, the word had spread fast; faster than I could imagine.

"They're just rumours; they've always been close. You know, it probably because of the culture festival that this started. You shouldn't pay any mind to it." I covered, obviously badly because Chie held an unconvinced expression.

"Then how do you explain the mob this morning?" She asked, causing me to recall the traumatic event that occurred, not so many hours ago.

"Argh! Don't remind me, the moment the three of us past the school gate, we were shoved left and right, I didn't know what was happening! All I could hear was that they were crying about Fujino-san"

"Exactly!" She exclaimed as though she had just made some break through but I just continue to stare, waiting for her explanation as to what I said was able to prove anything.

She smirked like a bragging person who knew something that everyone else was dying to know.

"There's no way, Fujino-san's followers would make a move without some solid proof! Else, they would have swarmed a heck of a lot of people! This must mean something more is going on here, and with you being Natsuki's good friend and dorm mate you must know something! So, spill!"

I didn't understand the logic behind her reasons, despite the fact the rumours being true, at least from what Natsuki had mentioned…

"Chie, that doesn't prove anything." I replied, exasperated while my hands were busy locating and handling several boxes beside me.

"But there's something to prove right? Say, was Natsuki-kun out last night or has she mentioned that she's going out sometime this week or next?" She questioned suspiciously.

I eyed her cautiously, and countered with my own question: "What's it to you…?"

"Nothing; just curious, well?"

I wondered if I should lie and say she was at home with Mikoto and I, but there may had been someone that had seen her leave or come back last night, so I decided to tell the truth but withhold anything substantial, it was then that I realised how quiet and still the classroom was – everyone was listening in.

The pressure of being the centre of attention was getting to me, although I wasn't the subject, I felt sweat begin to bead down my head.

'The things I go through for my friends…'

"Hey where is Natsuki?" I asked once I realised the blue haired girl's absence.

"Don't change the subject!"

"Geez, fine! Yes, she went out. No, I don't know where or with whom, and no idea what her plans for the next week are."

"Really?"

"Really. Now where is she?"

"Stormed outside the moment the bell rang, I think she was avoiding that crowd." She finished with a thumb pointing to the crowd of people peering into our classroom, for some reason their eyes were locked on to me...

I let out a heavy sigh as I recalled all the joys of being the infamous Fuuka ice princess' dorm-mate and friend.

* * *

It was a miracle, I don't know how I did it but I did. Somehow I was able to get the both of us out of that classroom by sweet talking those foolish boys in our class to act like security guards and pave a way out for the two of us.

I heard about the commotion this morning but I didn't realise the sheer magnitude of people or perhaps how fast the rumour continued to spread – in any case, it wasn't like I could have left the air head by herself, it wasn't her problem to deal with; she probably wouldn't even know how.

"Nao, do you have your lunch?" The previously mentioned air-head asked as we walked out of the Junior High building and headed towards the High School division.

"No. I usually buy my lunches." It was a half lie – usually my lunches are brought for me, but not today – today, I have to keep Mikoto from being bombarded by those other idiots, I mean it's just cruel to let her fend for herself in such situations.

"Hm… That's okay, you can have some of my bento, Mai's food is really good – she usually makes me a big bento, so you can have some." She offered with a toothy grin.

It wasn't her wide smile that showed me her gratitude, it was the offer of her precious lunch that I knew she really was grateful.

She acts like she is ignorant of the world around her, acting innocent and unaware, but if you're observant enough there are little things she does that says otherwise.

And being the observant person that I am, I can tell – its not as though she is like me – the things she sees and understand, she doesn't keep everything to herself because she believes the knowledge can benefit or hinder her in any way but because she believes it's better than to speak out and involve herself with something she has no right to or because she doesn't know what she should do.

And that's just how it works best with me. She's loyal to her friends, I can see that. She doesn't intrude into my life or into the things I do, while still genuinely caring about my well-being – she is just the type of person I can trust and hang around with.

So why is she caught up in all this?

From the rumour that's spreading like wild fire – it's about Kuga and Fujino. Fujino's feelings for that girl has been around ages ago, perhaps I was the only one that figured it out and in fact confirmed it, yet it wasn't anything new, there must had been something new that triggered all this.

I glanced toward Mikoto, her raven coloured bangs bounced energetically, her increased pace told me she was nervous – perhaps fearful that Tokiha had a similar scene at her class.

The last few weeks she showed little to no indication to what's happening if I hadn't had been there when Kuga rushed off the moment Fujino was mentioned I would have found today's incident to be a shock – Kuga did something, something concerning Fujino… I wonder… are the rumours true…?

"Mai!" Mikoto yelled.

Speak of the devil.

The cat-girl in front of me bounded off as soon as she noticed her dorm-mate. She ran off on all four towards the entrance of the High School building where the blue headed biker stood, along with Tokiha, Chie and Aoi.

While I took my time to approach the group I heard the end of Mikoto's sentence:

"…Mai! Nao wants to have lunch with us, is it okay if I share my lunch with her?"

"Huh? Um, yeah of course." The bosomed cook gave me a grateful look – informing me that Mikoto had told them of my involvement today. It was an expression I rarely get… is it normal to feel this warm inside?

"Great, another busy-body" Kuga grunted.

I turned my head with a smirk and snipping retort ready… These days we aren't at each other's throat like we were during the HiME carnival – maybe it's because of the mutual respect we earned from each other after saving the world and what not – but even so, the faint smile she had was out of the ordinary… It seems like someone was in a good mood in spite of their situation, and it was infectious.

I held back the retort and instead waved back to my own dorm-mate and her equally notorious friend. The two known gossip lover was conveniently having lunch with the talk of the school…

This lunchtime was going to be an interesting one. And I think Kuga may need as much help as she can get.

* * *

We waited outside the room Natsuki-kun told us to meet her at.

The whole week leading up to this day had been exhilarating! From the morning mobs to the lunch time interrogations either by us or by others – it was the scoop of the year that no one wanted to miss or be left out of. We were lucky to secure an invite from Natsuki-kun, all thanks to the hard work Chie put into it – by practically extorting Natsuki-kun to let us come along.

And today had been the most exciting of all – Nao-chan had took us out shopping in streets Chie and I had never been to, seeing new place and all the while we were on the run! …Well not exactly, but the thrill of knowing we weren't supposed to be followed and that we were in fact at some secret hiding place, makes it feel like we were!

My heart pumped in my chest at my excitement, my eyes darting occasionally at Chie – our knowing looks silently communicated to each other how we both looked forward to discovering the truth of those rumours tonight.

All the while Nao-chan, stood leaning against the corridor wall, inspecting her nails.

It made me wonder why she was here in the first place… for once she actually didn't seem very curious about the rumours in the school.

A light rumble broke my fidgeting, turning swiftly to the direction of the elevator I saw Mai walking through the mechanical doors looking absolutely ragged.

Fixing her shirt and taking heavy tired steps towards us, Mikoto appear as a stark contrast to Mai form. The younger girl walked with a bounce in her step causing the slightly oversized looking back pack she was carrying bounce up and down.

"Mai, are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine, thanks for asking Aoi. Mikoto has a bit more energy than I do, is all." She gave me a weak smile.

"Well, hopefully Natsuki-kun will get here show, and then you can sit down and catch your breath properly."

The rumbling of the elevator doors took everyone's attention once again, turning to look in its direction we saw only an elderly couple step out.

I was disappointed at first, having hope to see the subject of gossip as of late, and to be let down by elderly that lived in the very apartment building we were in – but then something about the two perked my interest – my eyes couldn't move away from them, there was something… familiar about the two…

"Is that…" Chie mumbled.

The old woman with short curled grey hair and gold framed glasses, moved with grace – each step she took seemed like she was gliding, appearing every bit as much as a woman from a well off family. Meanwhile the older gentleman escorting her walked a step behind, he's oversized coat gave him a strong build and his brisk walk gave him an authoritative demeanour.

But there was something that didn't sit right… As they approached, I became increasingly aware why that was.

"Natsuki?" Mai asked timidly. She earned herself a raised hand from, what I previously thought to be, the gentleman.

I fought hard from brawling on the floor and laughing out loud.

"Fu-Fujino-san! I could barely recognise you! How have you been? Did you enjoy the festival last week?" Chie started politely, while I on the other hand couldn't help but fix my eyes onto the wig Fujino-san wore.

"Yes, I did. Harada-san and Senoh-san were indeed frightening that day." I pried my eyes away when I heard the mention of my name – looking at the eyes of the famous-kaichou that were focused on Chie's I couldn't resist the urge to smile as I noticed the golden frames in my line of sight.

"Hold off the chatting until after we're inside." Natsuki-kun hoarsely ordered, as she unlocked the door.

"Ok, ok. Where are we anyways?"

Chie asked the every question that had been on my mind before – where was this place. Why did Natsuki-kun believe it was a safe haven for the group of us?

"My apartment." She murmured her reply – opening the door to let us in.

"If you have an apartment, why do you live at the dorm?" I asked curiously.

"The dorm has its perks."

"Like a live-in cook and all around caregiver?" Chie asked jokingly.

"They are a factor."

We all entered the dimly lit room, and with a flick of a switch the lights were alight. My curious eyes darted around in awe –it was spacious, expensive judging from the location alone and it brought many questions to mind but I decided there was a time and place to ask, and Chie knew exactly when and where that is.

"Shh! Son-of-a-" Natsuki cursed, drawing my attention to her removal of her disguise.

"Don't you think the disguises are a bit much Kuga?" Nao-chan questioned

"Well if you saw the car chase we had, you would think this wasn't enough." She answered while she continued to remove her disguise.

Beside her, Fujino-san had followed her lead, removing her glasses and soon her wig to let her hair fall from it bun – the simple action explained to me why she was so well-admired in school.

I had always found Fujino-san friendly and approachable – Chie and I don't know her well; at best we were acquaintances, so apart from the occasional outings that she goes along to and the rare times we catch Fujino-san with Natsuki – we rarely spoke.

But today will be the end of that! With the rumours flying about and my own curiosity flaring up, Chie and I will get to the bottom of this elusive story!

Natsuki and Fujino-san had always been close – their friendship was a rarity amongst their own circle of relations. Fujino-san was formerly the Ice Princess' one and only friend. And Natsuki always had been the well-admired Kaichou's exclusive friend – no one ever spends so much time alone with Fujino-san apart from Natsuki.

Their bond isn't like the ones they have with others. There must be something more to it than meets the eye – and Chie and I will find that out tonight.

* * *

"So Mikoto-chan, what do you know about Fujino-san and Natsuki-kun's relationship? Are they really close?" I asked the young cat-like girl.

I was in an excitable mood – the rare chance to reveal the truth behind the juiciest rumour, perhaps in the whole of Fuuka Academy's history, was right before me tonight.

In the next few hours, during the course of this evening I shall unveil the true nature behind the two most infamous and mysterious students in this area – I can barely hold in my glee.

"The two of you are scaring her."

Nao-chan's word ripped me away from my internal monologue and my idealistic future where Aoi and I stood before everyone, and uncovering the truth for all to hear – to returned to my present self, along side my brunette friend leering down at Mikoto-chan who had started to back away like a fearful animal.

Shaking away my hungry eyes and possibly sinister smile, one I tend to have when I know I had a lead to confirming a rumour.

Looking back at the feral looking girl I banished one of my most charming smiles.

"Hey, it's alright Mikoto-kun. I'm just worried that's all. Natsuki-kun is our good friend but she's not the type that likes to talk about her problems. I just want to know that everything is okay between the two of them"

From the corner of my eye I could see Nao roll her eyes and scoff – but that's okay, she may understand my true intentions but Mikoto-kun doesn't.

She is the weakest link in the Tokiha-Minagi-Kuga resident, even with Mai's denial of any knowledge and Natsuki-kun's vigilant cold shoulder – Mikoto-kun is my express ticket to the truth.

Even if she doesn't know much, an indication is better than nothing; even just the smallest insight can give me an edge – something to throw the two of them off and hopefully cause either of them to slip up – I just need that something.

Her cautious eyes eventually softened, relaxing in her defensive stance, her expression changed to her usual innocence.

"Everything is fine." She answered with a smile.

There was something odd about it – the smile wasn't one of her usual wide juvenile grins but one that seems to hold a deeper, sentimental meaning.

"Yes, that's good but what is the nature of their relationship?" I was slipping, even I could hear the eagerness in my voice – both Aoi and I creped closer to the younger girl, making sure not to alert those behind us.

"Chie, just give up." Nao said in an uninterested tone - her normal volume made me flinch as I feared that the others will become aware of our pseudo-interrogation.

"They're…" Mikoto-kun's voice drew me back to our conversation.

No doubt my and Aoi's eyes gleamed with expected interest. We watched her closely as her golden eyes flickered to the three people preparing the table behind us.

"They're like Chie and Aoi!" Her smile changed back to her familiar childish grin – her pearl white teeth shined as though to mock us for getting our hopes up.

"Hey, dinner's ready!" Mai called, beaconing Mikoto who bounded off as fast as a hungry cat expecting to be fed.

"Wait a-" She was gone before I could question further. Internally I curse at the missed opportunity and shared a disappointed look with Aoi.

"Honest girl, isn't she?" Aoi's young room mate said mysteriously with a sly smirk on her face and her eyes glistened mockingly.

I let out a huff and received a reassuring rub on my back from my partner in crime.

'No matter' I thought to myself. 'The night is young; I'll have plenty of other chances to find the truth.'

* * *

Happy.

My stomach was full from dinner and I was happy with a wide smile on my face.

As the music and our cheering mixed and rebounded off the walls Mai was standing up in front of the T.V singing passionately at the tune – more so than she usually does, hoping that it would keep Chie and Aoi's attention from going to Natsuki and Shizuru who were washing the dishes behind them.

But no matter how engross Mai was she couldn't stop the two from fidgeting in their seats, and turning back to peer at the two. Frequently, one or the other would glance behind their shoulder with a dangerous gleam in their eyes – the same one I saw earlier tonight…

At this moment, I am sitting on the floor beside the coffee table, with Mai and the T.V on one side, and Aoi and Chie on the couch on the other side. I sat clapping and swaying energetically back at Mai's performance while Nao sat on the one seater on the other side of the coffee table in front of me – her pretend bemused smile faltering to her genuine one every so often. And occasionally, she would glance over to her side and keep an eye on Chie and Aoi, and also to peer at Natsuki and Shizuru as well.

But her glances were different, Nao's eyes did not have that dangerous sparkle like Chie and Aoi does, instead she has the same look Mai had when she looked at Natsuki during the last few weeks, but Nao's was a bit more guarded.

I don't think even Nao knows this but she's worried for them, just like Mai and I – and just like how she never admits I'm her friend, she won't accept that she treats those two more fondly than she believes.

My keen senses noticed movement in the corner of my eye; Chie had fully turned around, gently tapping at Aoi's arm to draw her attention and soon after Mai had stopped singing.

I looked up at Mai – her soft speechless face slowly melted to a happy bittersweet smile. My eyes soon moved from Mai to Nao, before me, shaking her head with a smirk, she then turned her attention away from the kitchen and onto the still playing karaoke images behind Mai.

As my own sights moved towards what everyone had their attention on, I passed over the back of Chie and Aoi's frozen form, and I knew, they too wore speechless just like Mai was.

Finally resting my gaze on the two everyone was speechless over I see Natsuki and Shizuru standing close together face to face; Shizuru's cheeks was tinted with a hint of red and Natsuki held a shy joy-filled smile that brought a heartfelt smile to my own.

Slowly they turned to us, their meek smiles never once leaving their place. Their eyes were sparkling with happiness.

"I knew it!" Chie yelled with a jump.

"Details!" Aoi squealed excitedly.

"What?" Natsuki replied, pulling Shizuru closer towards her – the action alone brought delightful smiles on both their faces. Smiles: that should have been there weeks ago. Smiles: that belonged there.

Yup. Love is good.

* * *

Why do I love you? I have asked myself that question so many times and I still don't know.

The question itself is a mystery. Am I seeking the reason for loving you or why is it you that I love? But that doesn't matter, because I just do – I love you and only you.

I don't know what will happen in the future – it is a murky path ahead, but one thing I know for sure: we will be venturing through it together.

These are the answers to our love and our future; they are the same; they are ambiguous and defined; there is no answer.

* * *

**A/N: **I must say, Aoi and Mikoto was extremely difficult to write and I don't believe I did them justice, it might have been because I consider the two of them a bit of an airhead and having to write their internal monologues just goes against that image lol By the way the last PoV is supposed to be both Shizuru and Natsuki.

Anyway! I just it's time we say our good byes! **THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!** And especially for the reviews you have or will (winkwink) write. The support and comments I received had been one of my main drives.

I know 'Ambiguous and Defined' has deviated to how 'Subtle and Blunt' is many aspect like the way it was written, but I hope even with the change in style you still enjoyed the way I have written this one. And due to the large gaps between the two fics and the chapters, I realise I may not had retained certain aspects of character and feelings or that some things may not have been very consistent but I tried my best to avoid that and hopefully made the transition in feelings in the characters smooth and some what believable.

P.S.  
I know these final two chapters haven't had much lovey-dovey fluff everyone yearns for (after the angst I've put you through), but I can't handle love-love mushiness - it gives me the shivers. Don't get me wrong I like happy endings and sentimental/sweet/cute/humorous affectionate moments - I just can't seem to type out anything beyond that... well... at least they kissed


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